My granny was hospitalised like 2 weeks ago for bronchitis due to old age, so for the past fortnight I have been shuttling to and fro from the hospital and all...She got discharged last Monday, only to continue coughing and refusing to chew or swallow her food cos she said she was feeling miserable from her cough that we got her re-admitted into the hospital again on Sunday...
I really do hope she's fine...
I looked at all the old ladies lying there, some with visiting relatives and family, some of them lying there looking lonely...And I looked back at my Gran and I suddenly remembered how she used to ask me to sit on her lap, or just sit close to her while she played with my hair...I remembered that I would sometimes struggle, for I hated people touching my hair when I was like a young kiddo... Time sure does fly...
I hate how and what old age does to people; It makes people fall really sick, it makes them really really ill...It makes them unable to sleep comfortably just because they're having health problems...I hate it how Ive never gotten to talk to my paternal grand-dad for he passed away when I was just 6 months old...I hate it how I only know him from anecdotes...How I wished I had knew him as a person sometimes...I hate it how diabetes and cancer took my maternal grandparents away in 2002-2003, where they my maternal grand-dad passed away 9 months after my maternal granny had passed away...I guessed that they must have really loved each other a whole lot, for my maternal grand-dad went a lil' bonkers and all after my maternal granny's death...
Having known that my maternal grandparents loved each other alot and that in their eternal final resting peace, they were buried together, and that they would eternally be with each other always brings a warm feeling inside me...I always envisioned an eternal type of love, where like how Adam Sandler sang "Grow Old With You" in the movie, "The Wedding Singer"; Growing old with a special someone, taking care of him/her through good and bad times, give that someone special my coat when he/she is cold ("Give you my coat when you are cold..."), and even letting him/her hold the remote control when we're watching the telly together...
It might sound weird but I have been thinking about alot of stuff, especially matters close to my heart recently. Perhaps its got to do with PMS, or the fact that recent events have been triggering memories that I once shared with a once special Someone, aka, my former partner whom I had once thought would be my partner in all that I do for this lifetime...
Its funny how ironic life is...I haven't had thoughts about him in ages, but recently I have found myself to be mentioning snippets of and about him to alot of people...Do I subconsciously miss him? I highly doubt it...Close friends would know the real reason why I left him for good, despite the number of times I wanted to previously... And most of the memories triggered weren't really happy memories; To be honest, I hardly remember the happy memories...Looking back, I wished I had walked off earlier, I just couldn't cos I was so deeply infatuated with that Someone so much so that I didn't and couldn't leave him, when deep down inside me, what the heart and mind felt were at total opposites...In a morbid kinda way, I am glad, in some ways, that things turned out the way they did, for it gave me strength to walk on in MY own journey; and yet in some ways, it has made me who I am today, someone who is wary and emotionally barren sometimes...
I don't deny that a chunk of me died (in literal sense) when I finally decided to end the relationship that was simply just heading nowhere... Almost half a year has whizzed by me and I sometimes do self-evaluate myself and of things around me, and I find that I am still wary of people's intentions towards me, be it being good and/or genuine or otherwise...I still find it a tad difficult to warm up to strangers who I sense have hidden intentions, sleazy ones even...I find it a little difficult to trust people and in some ways, there are its positives and negatives...
"Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you...
I am afraid...
Because of you..."
In some ways, I feel that Im kinda like a cactus, my fave "flower" of sorts; where maybe its my own self-defence mechanism at work, where I dont wanna get hurt, so I put up a front so that if anyone whom I sense that isn't that nice comes near, I get all prickly like a cactus...Its only people I hold dear and close to in my heart would know the real pZ...
pZ does wanna find someone who would keep me grounded, sane and happy...I want a person who would be a pillar of strength and yet at the same time, be someone whom is imperfect and filial! Too much to ask for, I reckon? *Laughs* In all honesty, pZ isn't all about clubbing n more clubbing, mind you! *Laughs*
Talking about clubbing...
Darling JuLes and I at "Our Playground" last Wednesday! The irony, DarLing JuLes is about the same height as I am, but i wonder why was I so tall that night...Must be my 10cm killer heels, I guess! *Laughs* (I think I look FAT in the picture! *soB* )
I hope for more pictures later today! *Laughs*
*Hearts*
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