It's been a year...
365 days... 8760 hours... 525,600 minutes...
Time has really flown me by...
For the uninitiated, it has been a year since that day most people would call "The Breakup", but I would prefer to call it "The Happy Road", for it was on that very same day a year ago, where, I walked out of the so-called 2 years odd of the relationship, with Darling Bubbles, aka, Pearlyn, being the sweetest soul ever to pick up her dad's van from her uncle and was there at the former bf's place no questions asked, and accompanied me until 5-ish in the morning, fearing that I would do something insanely stupid; And the times when I constantly called her for advice and just a listening ear. I love Pearlyn! =)
I guess endings always have the writings on the wall even before anyone says/initiates anything, and in this case, breaking up. I guess it has to do with the very fact of having a person whom you once loved and whom was once very significant in your life, can get mundane, so much so that people often take the daily little things for granted. I admit that I have been guilty of taking his presence in my life for granted; but I would have never expected things to end the way it had ended, for I had always thought that he'd be the knight of my fairytale, the one whom would share the white pickett fences dream with.
I remember this day last year vividly, how he yelled at me over the phone for having to meet Pearlyn for lunch and a girly day out without informing him, he had assumed, mind you, that I was out with a boy.
The irony in that suspicion in itself was the greatest irony, for I was the one who was and remained faithful throughout the stormy couple of years that we were together. This despite the fact that there was this realy amazing and wonderful boy whom fancied the socks outta me that was waiting in the wings, always there to put smiles up my face when I was depressed. I couldn't and didn't have the coutrage to leave him for "wonder boy". "Wonder boy" was disappointed and he founda girl whom, in some ways, was the splitting image of me, and I hope he's happy now... =)
I merely stopped and chose to stop counting/remain ignorant about the number of girls that have came and went along, I remember the screaming matches/verbal rants of how it was entirely my fault that he wasn't faithful; that I had negelected him by not spending quality times with him, which was cruelly funny, simply because I was spending my sleeping and waking hours with him; Family became strangers, and friends were nobody for he said that all my friends were mean and bad influences. Blinded what seemed to be love, I alienated myself from everyone and anyone.
I wasn't happy, I'd either cry myself to sleep, or fall asleep over random cable tv programmes while waiting up for him from one of those "client entertainment" nights, which were in fact, just a facade for him to hook up with more girls at the clubs. I was sometimes awoken by images of him retching his livers out from too much alcohols. I had even believed him when he sometimes returned home only in the mornings, telling me that he had dozed off at his colleague's place, or that he had fell asleep in the park. I remember the mornings when I literally ran all over the neighbourhood, looking at the playgrounds and what-nots, while dialing his mobile number while running about, hoping that he'd pick up the phone and that he was safe... Silly silly me...!
The greatest irony must have been that while running about the entire neighbourhood so early in the morning, hoping that nothing has happened to him must have ben the fact that at that very moment, he might have been sleeping in a warm bed in some girl's arms. Truth to be told, that thought had never flashed across my mind each early Thurday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday morning; it was only when the naivety, worn off by cynicism, that the thought crossed my mind. Silly things people do when they were blinded; Really foolishly blinded.
I remember that last movie before something in me woke me up from the entire episode, "Miami Vice". I only remembered Gong Li's crappy English, and images of him dozing off and giving me the cold shoulder throughout the movie. He had a habit of holding my hands at the movies during happier times, for I get cold easily, and my hands would turn icy. He didn't even bother to ask if I felt cold. I remembered that the cinema theatre was cold, but the feeling in my heart was much colder, and I felt this aching feeling in my heart. I felt so alone.
It was a bumpy ride back, he just kept going on and on about how he doesn't feel the same towards me, that I have not been giving him enough "space" and he feels pressured. He uttered the words that he didn't know if he should break up with me just after pulling up the handbrakes and turning off the engine. He had even warned me not to cry and embarass him in front of his friends who were coming over for a mahjong session. How could I not? I have been trying to salvage things for a month odd, but he had kept pushing me away. I assumed it was just work stress. Looking back, those lame excuses were just excuses for him to lessen his guilt of the very fact that there was someone else besides the both of us. I guess he thought three was a crowd, and I was the one who was "crowding" out his "space". I only found that piece of info out a couple of days later, via a very heartbreaking discovery. The irony of my life! It's so much like the scences of those cheesy Mandarin drama serials which I had once thought I would never be caught in. I have since learnt - Never say never... *Wry Smile*
I texted Pearlyn random messages about how he doesn't want to salvage things anymore. I remembered the tears that I tried holding back for he would rant at me for crying and making him an embarassment in front of his friends. I was so lost. I felt as though I was drowning and no one could hear my screams, and no one was there to hand me a life bouy. And all the while, he was just so close by, yet he looked on blankly... He didn't even try to talk to me; He merely pretended nothing happened and played mahjong with friends that had came. He did text me to stop crying, and that he'd talk to me about "the problem" later. The relationship crisis was merely a "problem", just like one of those "problems" he faced at work on a daily basis.
Somehow, somewhere along the lines, something hit me ~ I was just merely another one of those "problems", I wasn't significant enough for him to even stop his session of mahjong for even 5 minutes. Women are soft-hearted creatures, I just needed some pacifying, yet, it was as though I got a literal slap on the face.
It woke me up.
For the couple of years, it had always been his way, his choice, and never mine. I was never ever a priority. Even during those window shopping trips he would keep staring at his watch, for it was hourly parking rates and he didn't wanna get charged for the entire hour when it's only 5 minutes. I had to work for him despite running a high fever of 39 Degree Celcius, on top of the gastric flu and the giddy spells; just because I had to work, there wasn't a replacement for me. I couldn't go out with my gfs even for shopping or for drinks just because he felt that they were bad influences. The only time I sneaked out and joined my gfs for a night out at the clubs, lying to him that I was already asleep was the only time I felt free. Whenever my phone rang, he would suddenly appear beside me, demanding to know who it was on the other line.
It woke me up from the delusions and the dreams of white pickett fences. I started packing, putting shoes into bags and separating the toiletries, and getting my clothes off the hangers. He noticed that and started to text me again, asking me not to do silly things and not disgrace him in front of his friends. I merely smiled, it was one of those really wide, really brilliant smiles; one that I wasn't used to looking at from the reflection of the bathroom mirror for I haven't seen that smile in ages. I merely replied his text message, asking him what is the point of talking later when if we were to talk now, it'd still have the same ending? While packing, I was humming random tunes, I used to hum random tunes in the past when I was happy and cheery. It amazing how much things one collects and has after a couple of years. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to load all of it up Pearlyn's daddy's van. It must sound psychotic - While packing I was smiling and humming to myself, yet I had tears rolling down my cheeks. At the same time, he kept texting me, asking me to talk later after his mahjong game. I stopped replying...
I was free...
The initial month was horrid, as you go through a billion different thoughts - the "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves". I was still in contact with him, and sometimes I would text him, asking him how's his day and stuff. I went through a period of not sleeping nor eating for almost 3 days. I didn't try to kill myself though, I went through that stage of swallowing painkillers early in the relationship, my life didn't end and I merely woke up feeling groggy and horrid. I had slashed my wrists 4 times ages ago, when I realised that there were 4 other women (Believe me, I stopped counting the numbers after the 4th...), only to realise that the pain inflicted wasn't as painful as the heartache.
I remember the countless of phone calls from Perth from Eunice, where she would talk to me until early hours; I remember the messages and calls from and to Pearlyn; the 2 hour phone conversation that killed Bernard's phone bill for that month... I remember how I finally stopped contacting him - when I realised that I was replaced with another person almost instantly after I ended things. And then I found out that she was already in his life when I was still around. My heart was completely shattered. Like how Pearlyn said it, I needed to get my heart completely shattered before I could finally move on...
Moving on isn't easy, that I'd admit. And the first step was the hardest and toughest things to do, but after that first step, things were surprisingly easier. I think what really made me feel bad was when I had to tell Mummy about the entire episode and seeing that she had tears in her eyes. I guess, knowing her, she'd probably blamed herself for things happening the way they are, that she tried warning me about him, but maybe she thought she wasn't firm enough; I remember seeing her tears while she sat alone in a corner. I felt completely lost and bad. I haven't been the nicest daughter to my parents, not being at home almost all of the time; For yelling at her when she refused to let me go over to his place. It was little things like these that made me want to become closer to my family. A year on, I'm glad to say that we're really close friends, and a really dysfunctional (In a happy way!) kinda family... =)
Enjoying singlehood was a completely new experience, for it was my very first serious relationship. I embraced my new found status of singlehood - I lost the weight that I had gained from the couple of years, I hit the clubs and found my livers were as strong as they were during college days. I became a karaoke fan; In fact, it was in room number 13 that I lost my "virginity" and became a karaoke fan.
(What were you thinking?!?! *LauGhs*)
Then there were the attention from guys; Mummy lost count on the different number of cars that were sending me home/waiting for me outside my place. The chocolates, treats, gifts and the liquor I got as gifts; The sleazeballs that were looking for a fling, the sincere guys that weren't my type whom wanted to be more than friends, the cheesy and lame pick-up lines off and on the dancefloors of clubs, the drinks my gfs and I got from silly guys that were trying to make us drunk at the clubs, phone calls from guys asking me out... A friend of the ex wanting a ONS... *LauGhs*
Weirdos whom followed me around shopping malls, passing me their numbers, wanting to be friends. The big group dates with new-found male friends; the number of dates I got in a single weekend (Five from five different guys), the gawks I got from guys who weren't looking at their gfs beside them, the stares from their gfs... And then there was the Valentine's day dates... After a year, I can safely say that most of them have given up the pursuit, some have found partners, and some whom I don't contact anymore.
And of course, the "Special One" that is still around... =)
A year on, life is great thus far; I feel that the real pZ is back as a better upgraded version, where she still shoots her mouth off, but does it with caution, the same ol' pZ that acts bimbotic to irritate close friends and family nuts; the pZ that has a better temper now; and of course, a wiser pZ... I still do have my naive side, for I am naturally gullible though... *LauGhs* And of course, the still ever crazy, jovial and lovable pZ! =P (This is MY blog!)
And of course, I have my lovable family and friends that keeps me grounded and safe in this crazyy world! =)
My family - Thank you for who you are, and for loving and doting on this lil' terror Piggy! =)
DarLing Bubbles/ Pearlyn for being the sweetest angel 1 year ago by making sure that pZ's alright, for staying up and accompanying me until 5am when she had appointments the next day! To Pearlyn's Mama for knocking sense into silly lil' me! For "ganging" up to surprise me during my "Forever Young" secret bday bash 3 months ago, and for indirectly bringing a sweet angel into my life! *huGs*
Eunice for being the absolute sweetheart for calling me all the way from Perth almost every night to chat with me until wee hours depsite you having school the next day; for making sense to me and "ganging" up with Pearlyn and Co to surprise me during my "Forever Young" secret bday bash 3 months ago! For accepting me as I am, for keeping me in your prayers and listening and simply, thank Eu for being Eu! *huGs*
Bernard for being the bestest guyfriend a girl can ever have! And for the random phone calls and sms-es from Jakarta and for always bringing me back to Earth! =P
Sara for being the bestest friend a girl can ever have! Words cannot express the close to dozen years of friendship that we share! =) For listening and for accompanying me to the night bazaar at Geylang during Ramadan last year; to Sexy Ibu for the food, the listening ear and for the advices along the way! And to Zul, for "loaning" your wifey out to me when I need her and for being the driver! :P
MingYun and Kenny for introducing my faves "MaiTai" and Lychee Martinis to me; To MingYun for being you and for that random late night old Changi Hospital night out eons ago!
DarLing Jules for always being there, in soberness or in drunkardness, for being the bestest darLing lil' sista to me! For listening and never judging, for being my Randomness partner-in-crime, my "Anything"/"Whatever" partner-in-crime, my "Hubby-sharer", "Prawning" and sushi kharkhi!! I love you!!! *HuGs*
Li We Ge ge for being the sweetpea that you are, for enduring your "wiveys" and their random nonsense all the time! For making sense and that degree of maturity is a rare find, which makes you a rare gem! And of course, thank you for confering me to be your "Big one"! *LauGhs* :P
"K.H" for enduring my nonsensical nonsense, for being there for me always, for listening, for being my shopping bag holder, my bargaining partner, my "Anything"/"Whatever"/"I dunno" mood-endurer, my movie mate, my confidant and for being imperfectly special! =)
And to everyone else not mentioned whom have helped pZ to become whom she is today! =)
Special thanks to Moo-man! *huGs*
In a nutshell, the butterfly is finally freed from her cocoon, the former trapped bird in a cage is now free to fly...
I am truly blessed!
*SmiLeS*
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