A New Beginning...

It would have been three -- a celebration of 3 years together on this very day, it would have meant plenty of Christmas surprises, like how you were surprised with 12 Christmas presents for the last 2 years. Christmas, like I told you, in pZ's books, should and would always be celebrated over the 12 days prior to that special day.

It would have meant a celebration with your extended family over the weekend, maybe a "BBQ" celebration, with the once-familiar Christmas tree and decorations yesterday/today before the actual Christmas Eve and then some celebrations with either a dinner at some fanciful place or over movies on our own or just more shopping and you carrying my shopping bags, or maybe up to Mount Faber again, which I kinda forced you into doing in 2005, just because I wanted to have a look at the supposedly tallest artificial Christmas tree or maybe we would might have spent the day doing absolutely nothing - pZ's view of "QT" (Quality Time), or maybe at some club, like what you and I did in 2005.

It would have been, but it will never be. I had really thought that that Someone was the one person that I was going to settle down and grow old with, like how Adam Sandler had sung it in "The Wedding Singer" - Someone whom I had decided to share thick and thin, weal and woe with, Someone who would have and always had my fullest support in all that he does and have done, and he was actually Someone whom I had wanted to start a family with in the near future.

It would have been, but it will never be. Truth to be told, after being attached to Someone for so long, and when things inevitably fall apart, the going really is and got tough in the beginning. Perhaps its to do with the idea of constantly having Someone there for you, where you would sort of, become reliant and dependant after being in the "comfort zone" for a significant period in one's life. It was a horrid time for me, the weeks after "The Break Up", yet it was, from another perspective, liberating and in some warped-up way, learning to become a better pZ all over again.

It was as though somebody had pushed me into the furthest and deepest end of the ocean and I had to learn how to swim or sink and drown there and then. Like what my mama said ~~ "You might have fallen now, but its not the end of the world. There are so much more things in life that you've got to learn and experience... Learn from this experience, let it not become a setback and get up and move on..."

I love you to bits, Mama! :)

I had to learn how to become the fiercely independent girl that I once was before and manage and control the emotions, (or some friends might say, the lack of emotions) when the myriad of what I thought that Someone was had been wasn't what it might have appeared to be. It was as though all of what was in the relationship had been a huge sham, the biggest lie that any one person could have said to me. Yet I chose to believe -- me, the once cynical one. I was so foolish.

I didn't really and couldn't really comprehend how one's intense feelings for another person could just fade away and be gone like the wind in just a matter of weeks after that much amount of time together - the happy and loving moments, the silly conversations we had shared, the "special" names that we had for each other, those drives to strawberry milkshake and MacDonald's breakfast when I was down/sad or angry with him, the angry and sad times, the silly games that we played with each other in public areas, especially on escalators, the celebrations for the special occasions and the quiet moments...

It must have been thousands and thousands of hours added up. I didn't understand, until mutual acquaintances and friends that I bumped into or met up with started telling me anecdotes about him which really was the catalyst, or the imaginary can-opener that opened the huge can of worms that I had never ever imagined things to be.

I wouldn't disclose what were the worms in that huge can, I could not and would never do that - splashing all the dirty lil' secrets that I have come to know of after the relationship ended on the world-wide-web. I could never ever do such a thing, for he was Someone whom I had once placed on the highest pedestal, Someone whom I had once loved.

And to be honest, it wasn't and it hasn't been easy listening to these little anecdotes about him from various people that we had both knew or from people whom I know. Somehow or another, these little anecdotes about him made me see things in a whole new perspective, I woke up from what seemed to be a seemingly long dream, and I started seeing and accepting things for what they are presented to me. It then didn't ache as much as it did seem before.

Thank Gawd for technology, and long-distance phone calls, thank Gawd for inventing tissue paper and concealer! (for those sleepless in Singapore nights.) And thank Gawd for family and friends, they are the reason why you're reading this blog post at this very moment. They have given me courage, strength and happiness once again. I am indeed really thankful and appreciative of how they have forgiven and have embraced me, flaws and all. I am even thankful for those calls by various friends who called just to check if I had died from depression or that I had done something silly. Don't worry, I am still alive... :)

I didn't expect a quarter of 2006 to whizz by, having to defend and protect myself from so many things that I wasn't and hadn't been aware of, for I had assumed that I would usher in the year-end festivities with that Someone. The months have indeed flown by and I have salvaged and renewed friendships, made new friends, where some of whom I have a feeling would be friends for a very very long while. (You know who you ladies and guys are, so take a bow! :P )

At the same time, I have had people who came and resided in my life for some fleeting moments and then disappeared. I thank you people anyways, for having once been part of my life. Somehow or another, these people have affected me in one way or another and have made an impact that I hope that I am now a much stronger being. I am truly grateful and appreciative of your fleeting presence in my life... :)

I have interacted with so many people and have seen and experienced so much of what I thought was not a part of my "so-called life" when I was with him. I guess another plus point of being with a significant other would be that he would try to protect and shield you from the harsh realities of this sad, cruel and ironic world.

I now have learnt to be more cautious when dealing with strangers and acquaintances that I barely know, and through that, be more street-wise than I ever was before, for the real world without the rose-tinted glasses is just like another huge can of worms - I am still learning how to deal with the situations thrown into my way. And so far, I'd like to think that I am doing okay... *Laughs*



"Go with the flow and enjoy life for what it is now..."



I guess that I am learning to enjoy life for what it is now, and to accept that life isn't served to me on a huge silver platter. In a way, I am thankful that things ended. Looking back, there were signs that were obvious that he and I were never meant to be, maybe somehow or another he and I just chose to ignore those subtle signs that were there. I am grateful to the fact that he has taught me much more about myself, about what I truly desire and need and about life during and after the relationship that I would hold close to my heart for a very long time to come... :)

This blog, I hope, wouldn't be just one single entry about how I am doing.



In fact, I hope this would serve as an update to all my friends located or based overseas and locally, and perhaps, new friends on how I am doing, and of the heaps of fun that I have been having all these while... (It gets a lil' dreary having to repeat what I did over the weekend, etc etc for the 12345354687th time... *Laughs* )

So kick back, enjoy that cuppa of whatever you're having and let me share a part of my life with you! :)