It's that time of year again! How a year has whizzed by me, not to mention how I've learnt so much about myself in 2008!
It just seems like it was last week when I was at the countdown party at St James' PowerHouse a year ago, watching balloons fall down, hoping 2008 would be kinder to me! :P
So has 2008 been kinder to me like I had wished for when the clock struck midnight in PowerHouse in
Read on... ...!!
January - March 2008
Brand new 2008 was ushered in with a smile on my face, with me hoping 2008 would treat me much better after all the shites in 2007... Unfortunately for me, I caught the flu bug on the 1st day of 2008!! :(
The early quarter saw me having heaps of fun with my gfs, painting the town red, dancing and drinking the nights away, happily enjoying my new-found confidence and how I was finally happy... Work-wise, despite the nastiness of the Bosses (all females!!) whom were terribly nasty to me, I got on by at work... Wishing better things would come my way!
Supposedly better things did come by my way when a friend of mine whom I saw on one of those DnD (Drink n Dance) nights introduced me to the
secret service agent whom I thought was
"The Prince" after the toads, which began this bittersweet journey of Love for me, which I, had fought and struggled with my innermost fears before re-embracing Love and all that it entailed after all the failures previously...
April - June 2008The beginnings of any relationship are always sweet, but only fleetingly so...
We were virtually inseparable, we called each other all the time, did things together, and were deliriously happy... Despite the fact of how I hated all the baby-talks in the past, it seemed right this time around; where he was always there when I needed him to be, the rock that never fails to cheer me up when I was down... He was like a drug of hte sweetest form, and I thought that finally, my prayers have been answered when he first held my hand...
I knew he had my interest at heart when he persuaded to switch to a totally new industry work-wise, for he was worried that I would struggle to cope with managing studies on top of work... I wanted us to be happy, and I gave up my Love for Marketing and followed his advice of switching to an industry that I have no interest in whatsoever, a sun-set industry in this sunny island ~ Manufacturing...
Work soon affected us, in more ways than one... I was never a morning person, yet struggling to get to work earlier than what I was so used to was a constant struggle... Work was not what he had said it would be, mind-less, carefree with routine hours...
Work soon became a chore, it had drained me out of my energy that I soon became what I totally detested - a lifeless being...
It was all about doging the wrath of the Big Boss, fearing her impossible workload and deadlines and demands... Work never was routine, I was, for the first time, surrounded by colleagues whom had nothing in common as I did; They spoke about their kids, their weekends of mugging with their kids for the tests/exams... I could only smile, missing the fun night outs I had previously with people of my age, with things in common to talk about - shoes, clothes, Men and food...
The only saving grace was how he was there on MSN, encouraging me when work was terrible, and how he would patiently wait for me as I had to work late again, with him hungry, tired, but saying nothing, for he knew I had a long day... ... Deep down, I knew he was an impatient person by nature, and I was so terribly guilty, yet touched that he was so understanding...
The intended birthday celebrations of wanting to throw a bash for my lovely friends, with a pink themed party never materialised, just because his friends weren't keen on any clubbing...
I had to put on the fakest of smiles, and to pretend that spending my birthday weekend with his friends over towers of beers was what I had in mind... How I had to reply sms-es from my dearest friends whom wanted to celebrate my birthday weekend with lies that i wasn't free...
How the supposed birthday dinner with the Love had became just another one of those dinners near his place as his tummy was acting funny that day, only because he had drank too much and had a terrible hangover...
The Lychee Martini cake was yummy, but it didnt conceal the fact that it seemed as though his friends had mattered more than I did...
Getting shouted at on my birthday by the Big Boss didn't help either...
*Sigh*
I shifted out of my home and we uprooted to somewhere close by, but much smaller... It was seriously a nightmare shifting as I was busy juggling school and an extremely heavy workload... Thankfully the Love was nice enough to pop by and help me shift things over to my new place...
After shifting thrice within a span of 4 years previously, once from my childhood home to a place where I rarely came home to, to the ex bf's, and another time from the ex bf's back home; Somehow, I had a feeling that I haven't felt in a long while...
I felt like I was truly home...
The rooms may be very much smaller, things are messy, but, surrounded by the PINK walls, and my pink Piglets, i finally felt that I was home...
:)
July - September 2008I usually dislike the months after June intensely, for nothing good happens to me during this period... My Boss had resigned and it had meant that the Big Boss constantly flared up over nothingness, which meant having to stay even longer hours just to complete whatever that needs to be done...
I broke down, in tears that one Friday, when I knew the Love was waiting for me to knock off for dinner, yet shites at work had meant I had to yet again, stay late on a Friday night, and how the Big Boss had demanded for us to return on Saturday, just because she had made promises to other departments of how she would get things solved...
Talk's always cheap, especially from a person devoid of any emotions, making use of the people beneath her as though we're well-oiled machines...
Pretending to show concern only when you're doing her a favour by clearing her outstanding issues so that her performance index wouldn't be affected...
Such a hypocrite!!
*Rolls eyes*
I wanted to throw in the towel, for we were at this stage where we had constantly argued over how late I was when we met up after office hours, and how his constant drunkenness and hangovers had worried me for he'd become very sick post-hangover...
I was really tired out from work, and all I wanted was to spend some time alone with him ~ It could be just a movie, or just sheer nothingness... I just didn't want to sit at that pub in that same seat, hearing the same songs being sung, the same jokes being said, and the cycle repeating itself every week... I couldn't fathom how they have been at this for years...
This wasn't what I wanted out of Life...I want to live Life to its fullest, not wasting it away with all the senseless cycle of nothingness...
I admit that I tend to club above the average, sometimes doing the same thing on a weekly basis... But, my gfs and I know our limits, and we do not drink ourselves silly and then attempt to pick fights with random strangers, using the drunkenness as a silly excuse...
It finally hit my tipping point when one of his closest friends had poured liquid from those old-skool spittoons down my head, although by accident... The idea of him not even being angry at his friend was totally disappointing... He just stood there motionless, with a grin on his face... Was he laughing at the ridiculous sight of me in such a sorry state?
*ShruGs*
August 20th 2008 was a date to remember, for I was so tired out from meeting insanely ridiculous deadlines for the Big Boss that I fell down while making my way from office to the bus stop..., at exactly 2008 hours!! (>.<")
It hurt so bad, and I went home in shock, and I cried the entire night like a Baby for it really hurt! He didn't even seem shocked nor surprised, and although he did say he wanted to pop by, I sensed the fatigue in his voice...
Went to the hospital for a minor operation, where I had stitches for the wound
wouldn't stop bleeding! :( He wasn't there at the hospital, but sick at home, watching programmes on Nat Geo again, obviously... Beneath the chirpiness tone I used when i called him, I was devastated that he wasn't around when i needed him to be; I didn't sense the worry in his voice, which was disappointing... He even had the cheek to tell me what program was on on Nat Geo and he had described what he was watching while I was
grimmacing in pain and hobbling around, from ward to ward in the hospital!!
(For those whom
genuinely care, I am slowly recovering, although I've got a scar there right smack on my right kneecap now!
HurHur!! :( )
We had almost stopped communicating with each other after the fall, and when we did communicate, more often than not it would end up in huge arguments, with a little voice inside me telling me that
I don't deserve this treatment, and that I should deserve much better... Despite the little voice within me, and how the writing was obviously on the wall, I busied myself with work and classes, thinking that we were experiencing a rough patch, and that we would weather through this
stormtogether...
Despite how we hardly really communicated, I took great pains in planning his birthday chalet, from ordering a very expensive chocolate cake and
macarons from a boutique cake shop, to cooking his favourite chicken curry and other foodstuff for his party at the local chalet...
He never even said thank you to me, which was disappointing, and his friends had to drop 3/4s of a box of
macarons onto the ground by accident..., and they never apologised, thinking that it was okay, that I, like him, wouldn't say a thing nor complain about anything they do..., for what they do and did was right...
It was rainy that birthday chalet weekend, and I was
uberly frustrated that nothing was going right between us...
To find out that he had been lying to me about being completely honest with me made me snap... I took a cigarette from his box and lighted up, hoping he would get mad at me and scream, but he never did... ...
I fell really sick shortly after, and he never did show any real concern; it was more out of obligations than coming from a true heart... He told me he would be going to the gym with his friends when I asked him explicitly if he could just drop by after work to just say Hi and to just give me a hug, and remind me to take my medication... He stopped bothering and caring, and I was truly jaded...
Gym was far more important than a very sick girlfriend...*Cynic Smile*October - December 2008The screaming matches continued, until i was really mentally and physically exhausted... All I wanted was advice from the boyfriend, a pair of listening ears, yet all he did was to give me the usual recruitment agent speech that he had used on countless of others whom he depended on for a living... I was dumbfounded...
I was immensely unhappy at work, yet I couldn't get the rock that I once had to lean and cry on...
It was yet another one of those random windy rainy nights when I finally had enough and I snapped... He snapped, and left me alone to fend for myself in the rain... It was again another
rnadomly rainy day when he called 2 days later and ended things with me...
Looking back, of all the lousy excuses I have ever heard from people in general, the excuses he gave for ending things as they were was one of the lousiest...
I won't and wouldn't wash dirty linen here, but I guess that things happen for reasons that we wouldn't know or comprehend until much later... As I am typing this in my room, I finally realised how he wasn't the Man that I wanted him to be, and how energy-sapping this relationship was, and how Mummy was right in that he isn't
compatible with me... ... If I had more sense to listen earlier!!
*
LauGhs*
The last 2 months have really whizzed past me, and how I have finally found the good old
were quick to re-embrace me, to listen to me whine, sulk and lament; who were there clubbing with me when I was confused and lost...
Colleagues who once kept their distance as I kept mine were quick to invite me out for lunches and tea, which have became a ritual almost immediately...
Gone were the empty calories from far too many beers, although I can lose more of those calories!! :P
over his birthday long weekend, which had coincided with a local public holiday after one of those random nights of wanting to surprise a friend who has always been there for me through thick and thin, heartaches and heartbreaks... The surprise flopped in the end, cos I don't know Jakarta well, but
I found courage and strength to truly move on while having time alone, travelling to a totally foreign land alone via Malaysia into Jakarta, with a phone that died on me upon touch down to Jakarta, which made
Friends and colleagues were totally shocked that I was travelling alone into foreign territories... Imagine! A girl, carrying a trolley suitcase along as her solo companion, having the courage to hail a cab in a foreign land, with the limited vocabulary of the Malay Language I could muster/recall, to landing safely in Sukarno airport...
I had time to myself in the hotel room, with the telly as my companion, and having the opportunity to go away from everything that i have taken for granted for has truly been an eye opener for me... The sights, sounds, and culture were so vastly different from the well-cushioned Life that I have been used to in Singapore...
of guts and trust me when I say it's far worst off than Bangkok's famous traffic jams!
within myself upon returning back to Singapore... I no longer grumble at things that I usually take for granted, and I have since learnt to be more forgiving and less critical towards myself, and to love and appreciate the family and friends around me much more! :)
As I usher in the new year 20 odd hours later, I can give myself a pat on the back, have a smile on my face, and tell myself that it's been a fruitful year, knowing more about myself and of Life that I would never ever have learnt about had the Love not been lost...
How, despite my very jaded outlook with regards to Love and relationships, and how I am extremely cautious and more wary now; I am able to tell myself that it doesn't matter with regards to affairs of the heart and
, not being controlled nor dictated by anyone except myself...
Come what may, I hope that I am able to withstand the distance ahead of me, for I know that
be water and resting points ahead whenever I struggle and falter... ... =)
And as a yearly tribute... ...
