Life's LiL' Ironies...

Is when you have time to reflect, you'd realise that the writings were on the wall way before the crux of the issues on hand exploded, like a ticking time bomb that was waiting to erupt on me...

I've since realised, and am admitting to the fact that I am still hurting over the very recent failed relationship. But, I am definitely taking tiny lil' steps in moving on, for this time around, the hurt is immensely far more hurtful than ever before...

I know that in time, I will be okay, I will be back to the silly me... In fact, some parts of me are back to the same old... Like how I randomly make jokes that made my gfs LOL and cried from laughing, how I am gushing over heels, and over that HOTTtt singer/performer at Boiler Room (At St James PowerStation, and much more gaga-ness was added when he sang Jay Chou!! *SwooNs* :P)

There are the times when I face my four walls, wondering why Life has to play such a twisted and cruel joke on me, to let someone so special come by my way, yet fade away after such a short time... How Life is an irony when all closest gfs are experiencing troubled times in their relationships... Yet, looking at them, I know in some ironic way, I am blessed...

Was he worth it? Could I see myself with him a couple of years down the road? Was it a blessing that the relationship had ended wayy before more ironies of Life came into the picture?

I am still searching for the answers, but yet, I know, at the end of the day, all these answers would not matter as I know that I am blessed... ...

I am blessed, for I have regained a quiet confidence that was sorely missing in the months that we were together - the irony of Life was that in order to make the other person happy, I seem to have lost that spark in me... I gave up being somewhat myself, just so that I could fit into his social life, and to fit into his image of what an ideal partner should be... Maybe because Life is now an independent one, I no longer have someone as a pillar of support and strength whenever I need a listening ear or just someone to be there... I have to be there for myself, and as well as family and friends who need me to be there for them...

I am blessed, for I have lovely family and friends who are there to comfort, and to laugh at my silly jokes and random nonsense... To listen whenever I am feeling down and jaded, and to offer their opinions, or just being there when I need them to be there...

I am blessed, for despite the workload and how I am stressed out with work, I have hilarious colleagues of other departments that allow me to rant about work to them, and they geniunely offer some advice, and how their silly jokes over tea during the tea breaks makes me laugh... For the free teas and coffees that they'd always buy for me, and how they'd call me just to remind me to knock off work earlier, by telling me that the ghosts of our office appears after 2100 hours (*LauGhs*) ... How they'd never fail to make me see things from a different angle, and how they have made me infamously famous within the walls of my office building... *Rolls eyes*

Life's greatest irony is that when the Love of my twenty-something years suddenly left me fending and facing all my greatest fears alone, I am somewhat sanguine-ly happy and , yet in a way, I am still in mourning over The End of our relationship...

Life's greatest irony is that... ...

Everybody Hurts sometimes... ...








"When your day is long ... and the night
the night is yours alone
when you think you've had enough... of this life, well hang on.

Don't let yourself go
cause everybody cries
and everybody hurts... sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
if you feel like letting go (hold on)
when you're sure you've had too much... of this life, well hang on.

cause everybody hurts... sometimes
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts.

Don't blow your hand. Oh, no.
Don't blow your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you're not alone

If you're on your own... in this life,
the days and nights are long
when you sure you've had too much ... of this life, to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes, everybody cries.
Sometimes
And everybody hurts ... sometimes.

And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.



Everybody hurts.



You are not alone... ..."

Happy Birthday Daddy!! :)

It's my dad's birthday today! :)


Instead of the usual LetsGoToARestaurant for a celebration, we celebrated by buying him heaps of Heineiken beers from the supermarket nearby, and we are all going to eat in tonight, Mummy's cooking so there was the bday celebrations...



Despite how much we've argued over the years, and how we were not on speaking terms for almost 8 years (i kid you not!), thank you Daddy for always being there in your own irritating (in a good way) ways, and for never failing to adore your lil' princess! :)



*HeaRts*



Off for a girlie's night out later tonight and I cannot wait!!! : It's been the only thing I've been looking forward to all week!!



:)

Random Night Out @ Ice Cold Beer

With my colleagues of other departments and with their friends!


Cos pZ's apparently needs to maintain her "LiL' Miss Goody 2 heels (shoes)" image at work, and plus, I'm officially the youngest in my department, I do not have young colleagues to chill out with, and when that happens, plus when the office PC screws up on me and meaning having to reformat the PC = able to get off work early, I decided to join my colleagues who were already chilling by Peranakan Place's Ice Cold Beer...

I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep recently that I fell asleep after the shower...




And work today was a pretty stone-d morning, cos I normally do not function well in the mornings, plus, I had 5 bottles of Asahi-s sitting in my beer belly to begin with!!! 5 in 2 1/2 hours... Gosh!! And my colleagues were nice enough not to kiss and tell this morning when they came into office... *PHew*


I'm a smiley girlie today cos time flew by and I wore my fave red coloured earrings and a new skirt!! My colleagues were commenting that I've lost weight, which is good in a way cos I am determined to loose all that weight which I gained when I was attached and after my bad fall 2 months back! I hope to be able to go jogging soon! :)



Can't wait for the weekend to come!!! :) It's gonna be a all-girly night out at Loof, and hopefully I'd get to visit St James!!! :)



I kinda/wanna go "prawn-ing" too!! It's been eons since I went!!! :)




Today was a happy day cos the Big Boss is flying off to China for almost 2 weeks!! Yayy!!! Mices would play and not stay too late in office, i hope!!! (Unless she sends emails in wee hours with work deadlines.... :( )




pZ ish a happy girlie!!







*heaRts*

The weekend at Zouk. WineBar...

Was an awesome night of the 3 of us, drinking beers, shots and cocktails as they were one for one all night long... :)


To cut the story short, cos I need my beauty sleep, which I haven't been getting much of, here are some of the pictures!!!

We're porbably heading off to Loof this coming Friday and I simply cannot wait!!! :)




*Crosses her fingers and hopes we'd go to St James's Boiler Room to see that cuteee singer really really soon!!!*







*HeaRts*

I'm slowly getting closure, I guess it's really over... I'm finally getting better...

"Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.


What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.


Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.


And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.


You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.


And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.


Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.

And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.


I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.

'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.


Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,

I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.


I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.

And now I'm picking up the pieces.
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.


Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
i got over you... ..."

168 hours later...

168 hours ago, he called me to end things...


We had met and had shared 5808 hours together, talking about our past, our present and our futures together...


In the 5808 hours which we spoke and shared together, he has made me laugh, cry, and made me experience the euphoria of Love that I have never ever felt before.


I thought that he was The One, and wasn't a "Mr. Right Now"...


I thought he was the Mr. Darcy that I had been looking for all these while; and that he was the man for the Bridget Jones in me...



I assumed that after all the shites I've been through, my prayers were answered when his hand first held mine...






The signs were always there on the wall, but I chose to ignore it, thinking that nobody's perfect, and that I should embrace everything about him openly, for everything he had experienced had made him into who he was, and that if a person loves another, she/he ought to love without passing judgements, without minding his past, for it merely made him who the person I had loved...






The 168 hours were really one hell of a emotional rollercoaster ride for me; I had to be strong for my mama, she was freakingly worried, but I'm glad she never ever fails to just listen, although there were tears in her eyes. I knew I worried her when I just cried my eyeballs out 168hours ago, when it was a lonng loonggg night for me...




With the passing of 168hours, I have cried alot, more than how I shed tears when previous relationships ended... I don't think I have cried that much ever before...



I struggled with normalcy by burying my emotions within work, yet the pressures of work caught up with me, and the memories of how he used to be just a sms or message away on MSN when I needed to rant added onto the pain... I lost count on the number of times I had wept silently at my workstation, knowing that I still had to stick the plastic smile on my face, for I couldn't let my emotions affect my work...

How the phone is achingly silent during lunchtime, when we would used to message each other about our daily lunches; How he would call me once he got off work... And how we would end the day by calling each other and talking about our daily routines, our lives and our aspirations, and going to sleep with a smile on my face, knowing that Love is around me...








I couldn't and didn't understand how Love, as he had claimed, could have just faded like that... I kept thinking if I wasn't good enough to him, whether I was too naggy, or that I had irritated him too much... Nights were restless and sleepless, and there were nights I just wept silently, trying to comprehend what exactly went wrong... ...




Family and Friends were there to rally around me with Love, they listened while I ranted, they said nice and not-too-nice things to me... I met up with friends whom I have not met up with for ages over non-alcoholic drinks, had conversations and ... ...





I laughed, it was one of those giggles that I haven't heard in a long long time... Kelvin said something about wanting me to stand in a corner over my supposed state of bimbotic-ness, and I pouted and laughed...






Suddenly, it all made sense to me... ...








It doesn't matter anymore thinking about the "Should haves, would haves, could haves..." It doesn't matter anymore that I should be worried if he has woken up, and whether he has taken his acne medication... It doesn't matter anymore that I ought to be concerned about him...




It doesn't even matter even whether some girls are in his KIV list of gf potentials, it doesn't even matter whether that I had sensed something wasn't right... It doesn't matter that we were not communicating anymore when the writing was on the wall... it doesn't matter if things ended the way it had ended cos he had another special person outside...






Truth to be told, I haven't been happy recently, I wasn't smiley, I was superbly frustrated, and I felt un-Loved by him... I assumed it was work and the pressures of Life that made us edgy...








Then I realised that Life is like a novel, with many many chapters. There are certain people whom one would like to have right until the end of the novel. However, as one grows and walks along the journey of Life, those people might not stay like how we wished... They affect individuals in different ways through their presence in some chapters of Life... But the story of Life would still have to go on; It'd just be another brand new chapter...




"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women are merely players. They have their exits and entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts..." (William Shakespeare - "As You Like it")







I've still got a long way ahead of me, and although I look back at the failed relationship knowing that no one is perfect and how I have made mistakes, I have realised that I am only human, and how I will never ever be perfect, and that I will always have imperfections...





I have learnt that I should never ever change myself into becoming someone I wasn't just so I could be at least be something close to his ideal of perfection... I should never ever disappear from my friends when I get into a relationship, and I should never ever forget that how, at the end of the day, it's my family and friends that keeps me sane and rooted, whom have seen me through my darkest days, and whom have always been there for me when I needed them for support...





That being said, I know I have issues to resolve on my own, and that it will be pZ back to her same old bimbotic and chirpy self in time... I would also need to spend time "dating" my books and notes for some tough papers ahead of me, and as well as figure out Life, and how I would want my Book of Life to be written in the chapters ahead of me...




I have no regrets knowing him, and for loving him in a way I have never ever loved before... He has taught me independence, patience and trust, amongst a whole lot of other things; But more importantly, he has taught me the real meaning of Love, and how sacred Love is and ought to be, and how I will be happily wishing those whom have gone through thick and thin, weal and woe and whom are still in Love with each other Luck and nothing but blissful days ahead, knowing that perhaps one day, someone imperfectly special would come along my way... ...






As for now, I intend to remain single, for a while, not because I am fearful of Love but simply because I am going back on track to the promise I had made to myself prior to meeting him... I would need to resolve some naggling issues that are within me on this solo journey of mine so that I would become a better person, not just for myself, but for my family and friends whom have been there for me... ...












To Eddy;



If you are reading this, I am thankful that I was once loved and cherished by you. I am sorry for taking you and the relationship for granted at times; it was never intentional. I am sorry for the times we argued and for making you frustrated over issues. I bear no hate nor hard feelings towards you. I wish you well, and thank you for the months of bliss and laughter when we were an item. Thank you for cheering me up when I was down, for being there when I needed a pillar of strength, for talking sense into me when I was irrationally unreasonable, but most importantly, Thank you for having once loved me... ....














168 hours later, with tears streaking down her face, pZ is smiley and seeing that the rainbow is there after the rain, and telling friends whom care that I will definitely get better in time... ...







*hEaRts*




















"It's been the longest winter without you...
I didn't know where to turn to,
See somehow I can't forget you...
After all that we've been through...


Going coming;
Thought I heard a knock;
Who's there?
No one...
Thinking that I deserve it...
Now I realise that I really didn't know...
If you didn't notice you mean everything...

Quickly I'm learning to love again...
All I know is I will be ok...


Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too,
It'll all get better in time...
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to...
It'll all get better in time...


I couldn't turn on the TV,
Without something there to remind me...
Was it all that easy,
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming don't wanna let
Hurt my feelings,
but that's the path I believe in;
And I know that time will heal it...
If you didn't notice;
Well, you meant everything,
Quickly I'm learning,
To love again...
All I know is I'm gonna be ok...



Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too...
It'll all get better in time;
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to,
It'll all get better in time...


Since there's no more you and me,
It's time I let you go
So I can be free...
And live my life how it should be,
No matter how hard it is,
I'll be fine without you... ...
Yes I will!


Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too...
It'll all get better in time...
And even though I really loved you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to,
Yes I do!
It'll all get better in time..


Thought I couldn't live without you,
It's gonna hurt when it heals too...
It'll all get better in time...
And even though I really loved you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to,
Yes I do!
It'll all get better in time.. ..."

Jay Chou is back!! :)

My Jay Chou is finally out with a new album!!!


This song is very un-Jay, cos his songs are usually more cool... But this time around, its more happy and relaxed...


Hearing him makes me H-A-P-P-Y!!


It's funny how I'd happen to be single for the past 3 years each time Jay releases an album...


For those whom are reading, pZ is slowly but surely walking on by... :)


*huGs* to all whom showed Love and Care!


*heaRts*








稻香


"对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨,
跌倒了就不敢继续往前走.
为什麼人要这麼的脆弱堕落?

请你打开电视看看多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去,
我们是不是该知?
足珍惜一切,
就算没有拥有...



还记得你说家是唯一的城堡,
随著稻香, 河流继续奔跑...
微微笑,
小时候的梦我知道...


不要哭,
让萤火虫带著你逃跑,
乡间的歌谣, 永远的依靠,
回家吧,
回到最初的美好...



不要这麼容易就想放弃,
就像我说的, 追不到的梦想,
换个梦不就得了?


为自己的人生鲜艳上色,
先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色...


笑一个吧...
功成名就不是目的...
让自己快乐快乐...
这才叫做意义...


童年的纸飞机,
现在终於飞回我手里...


所谓的那快乐,
赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了,
偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了...
谁在偷笑呢?
我靠著稻草人, 吹著风唱著歌睡著...


哦 哦 午后吉它在虫鸣中更清脆...
哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎...


珍惜一切 , 就算没有拥有...



还记得你说家是唯一的城堡,
随著稻香, 河流继续奔跑,
微微笑,
小时候的梦我知道...


不要哭, 让萤火虫带著你逃跑...
乡间的歌谣, 永远的依靠...
回家吧,
回到最初的美好...



还记得你说家是唯一的城堡,
随著稻香, 河流继续奔跑,
微微笑,
小时候的梦我知道...

不要哭, 让萤火虫带著你逃跑...
乡间的歌谣, 永远的依靠...
回家吧,
回到最初的美好... ..."

男人女人 ...

A song that I used to hum along to whenever we went to the usual pub, simply because I wasn't sure of the lyrics...


I remember him asking me to go learn this song, so that we could sing it as a duet the next time...



But now, everything's too late...

男人女人
許茹芸 & 阿穆隆

"爱爱爱爱了几回,
也明白其中滋味,
付出的从来不会等于收回...
我却还在等待着 谁能出现 ?

伤伤伤伤了几回,
也曾经为爱憔悴,
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈,
我却还是学不会 狠心对谁...

男人男人,
多希望你是好人,
多希望用你的真,
让我不必再心疼...

女人女人,
我答应做个好人,
我答应用我一生...
来换你的快乐一生...

爱爱爱爱了几回,
也明白其中滋味.
付出的从来不会等于收回...
我却还在等待着 谁能出现?

伤伤伤伤了几回,
也曾经为爱憔悴,
爱情里好人总比坏人狼狈...

我却还是学不会 狠心对谁...

男人男人,
多希望你是好人,
多希望用你的真,
让我不必再心疼...

女人女人,
我答应做个好人,
我答应用我一生,
来换你的快乐一生...

男人男人,
多希望你是好人,
多希望用你的真,
让我不必再心疼 ...

女人女人,
我答应做个好人,

不会再让我（你）心疼...

一等再等 你就是我等的那个人...

男人男人,
女人女人,
多么希望你是对的人..."

Emptiness....

Read it here.



*siGh*

My Twinkle Little Northern Star...

I once told him that Love is like the stars in the sky, they'd sometimes shine so brightly, yet sometimes, they'd disappear within a twinkle of an eye... Yet he told me that he would be my Northern Star, being my beacon of light that would shine upon me everytime I am lost...


I have lost him, like the twinkle stars in that dark blanket of skies, and although deep down within me I cannot bear to let him go, I know I have to... ...

In the darker shades of grey...

He called yesterday, I had a feeling that the Love would call, knowing him, I knew he would, and for some unknown reason I kept glancing at the phone's clock, waiting for it to strike 11pm, a time he would usually call...



He did call, we talked, I cried until my ears and nose hurt, but the hurt seemed to pale in contrast with the pain in my heart...


He said it's officially over, for he doesn't have the feelings for me anymore...



Maybe I'd understand better one of these days as to the causes, but...



I really don't wanna let go...




We just allowed the relationship to take a nosedive from the good to the worst; We hardly really communicated for he doesn't wanna hurt me or make me sad/angry, and so did I. We just bottled things up, and then like a Coke bottle that refuses to contain all the liquid and gases anymore, it all came to a downward spiral...



I am devasted, for it was the first time that I had felt such intense happiness, and yet, it's all coming to an end.


I'm honestly lost, it's as though my heart has been broken into billions of tiny pieces, and knowing myself, I know I would never be the same ol' me again...


He's gone, but he wants us to remain as friends. And honestly, for the first time in my love relationships, I really do want us to be there for each other as friends, depsite the fact that I want something more, yet he can't for he doesn't feel the same way anymore. Knowing myself, when my previous relationships ended, one of the very first things I'd say to the other party is for him to stop contacting me, for I feel that it's pointless remaining as friends after all that we've been through...


I don't know if he wants us to remain friends is just so to make me feel better, or that it would be comforting for him to be able to know that someone would be there to listen to him, and just cheer him up on those bluesy days... Or that it's just talk, and that we wouldn't remain in contact after some time...




I gave us a chance, I gave my all; and looking back, the only regret that I have is that I no longer have the chance to spend my days and nights growing with him on the long life journey ~ I can only look from afar and hope he is truly happy for we're no longer together...



I usually am able to move on and pull my socks up pretty quickly, but I highly doubt I'd be able to this time around; it's as though a literal part of me just died and although some might say that it's the early days, and how I'd get over him after finding closure with time, I know that I can't, having known that I contributed to allowing the best thing ever in my Life slip away...



Yet, I surrender, simply because I respect him and still, in all honesty, love him alot... But sometimes, loving someone means letting him go and not seeing himself be so unhappy and suffering. I thought that he was being selfish by telling me harshly that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. But facing the 4 walls of my room and thinking things through, I realised that if it makes him happier (for I cannot bear to see him sad), then I will take a step back, and allow him to be happy.



Nothing's fair in this world, and we don't usually get what we want all the time. He has given me far too much in Life and through these past 8 months of bliss that it's finally time for me to give something back in return.


Having time alone, without any forms of contact and communication with him for 2 days have only made me realise that I do love him alot, and I really do want to grow old with him, make him laugh, and see that smile on his face everyday. But if I am the root cause of his misery, and that I am the reason that is making him stop smiling, I will sacrifice to see that sunny dimpled smile back on his face again.


The sound of his laughter is somewhere near, his snores the comfort I'd terribly miss hearing while dozing off, and the look on his face when he sees a cockroach, and how I would miss his hand holding mine tightly, telling me that things would be okay...





With very breathe I take, his scent lingers... ... ...




Like what you've said a long time ago, you have slowly crept into my heart, and the billion little pieces would never be the same again...


Thank you for being my twinkle Northern Star!! :)



If you are reading this, I really wish you well!














"I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart,
I'm missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do,
reminds me of you,
and the clothes you left, that lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok

(I miss you )

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah yeah
And all I ever wanted was for you to know
everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me Yeah...

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And When you're gone
The words I need to hear, will always get me through the day
And make it ok

I miss you..."

Alot to say but nothing seems to matter now...

Shite happened over the holidays of Hari Raya Puasa, and the Love and I had a major tiff about me bottling things up and then pushing him away, and me being at extreme ends of the mood swings...



I dunno if he's reading this, but I've missed you, terribly...




Absence can either make the heart grow fonder, or become an out of sight, out of mind situation... ...





I really hope its the former...!






I know nothing I say can turn back time, I know I shouldn't have just taken you, your feelings and us for granted...




All I can hope for now is for a response come the start of this weekend...




Somehow, a huge part of me dread this coming weekend, for shite might happen, or that we start another chapter either as individuals/strangers, or back as one...





Baby, if you're reading this, I truly am sorry, there's so much to say...






I don't want us to be apart, neither do I want us to part....



You've been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know I've screwed things up along the way... ...




All I can seek is for a chance, and your forgiveness, and for us to pick up from where we left off...










Baby, I am really sorry!! *PuLLs Ears*







I truly miss you... ... ...





:'-(