The Status Update...

It's been a year odd since the last time that particular portion of my Profile details have been left untouched...


Yet a while ago, it has been updated to a "Its Complicated" relationship status... Although to most people it would mean the end of a beginning, both parties involved have a great feeling that this tough and rough start would blossom into something intensely magical... =)


Yes, for the uninitiated, the tiny little spark had became a huge bonfire, engulfing most of the fears and obstacles along the way - He has made me smile, in more ways than anyone has ever ever succeeded in doing, and yet in the same moment, he makes me feel so much warmth and Love than I have ever experienced that I keep asking myself whether someone up there had finally listened to my prayers that I had thought were once-forgotten... So much so that I keep telling myself to rein in the magical sparks, and to have a better grip on the whole situation...


I fear for the unknown, for I had made promises to parents and myself to get over 2010 without having to worry them by getting attached as to them, their lil' girl should fully focus on getting that degree before anything else... But when Love comes full speed crashing like huge waves, a wave after another, how would it be remotely possible to push that Love away and to get on with Life lamenting that what was once around had escaped so unfortunately from one's grips?


I never knew what real Happiness and contentment was until meeting him, getting to know him better, listening to his comforting voice, and having long conversations about the daily mundanes and absolute notingness... Being in his presence on long drives home, and being surrounded by laughter that I need not fake or pretend about...
Finally I could take a break from cheering people up and allow myself the luxury of being teased mercilessly into being all happy and cheered up, yet at the same time, reciprocating the favour by cheering him up in the very next moment... =)


A feeling which I had never ever experienced in my previous failed relationship has been creeping up onto me - Open honesty and communication... I am finally able to communicate on a level which I feel that my views are listened and respected, and how I can finally be completely honest about my past, the present and the future... Its really indescribeable as to the "wow-ness" and how the butterflies in my stomach feeling has taken this Happy lil' Pink Piglet to an extremely delightful place, where I finally can flash that dimply smile of mine across the table, or just next to me, knowing that the feelings felt are mutual and reciprocated.... =)



What is impeding us from taking our relationship to the next step are due to inner issues which we both have, which I would not really wanna share, except that I have trust issues which needs resolving, and as well as finding the opportunity to tell the Parents that their lil' girl is in Love and how it feels awsomefully right this time around... And for them to trust me and Him into working things right...



I am still getting to know him better but my Heart has been taken, truly, madly and deeply... ...

"Romance and all its strategy, Leaves me battling with my pride...
But through the insecurity, Some tenderness survives...
I'm just another writer, Still trapped within my truth;
A hesitant prize fighter, Still trapped within my youth...


I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides..."

~ "Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill.

A Tiny Little Spark...

Everyone who knows me ought to know by now that I am an extreme fanatic of the reality game show, Survivor (The other fave being The Amazing Race); and how I am truly hooked cos of the superbly evil contestant in the FoaFoa tribe called Russell...
He is so devious, scheming and have been showing how Survivor ought to be played out... But maybe, its just clever editing... LOL~

I was suddenly reminded by how creating a fire and keeping the flame would be their most important task of their 39 days within the huge deserted islands that the contestants get marooned on... Cos fire gives them warmth, cooks whatever food they have to fill their stomaches, and in Tribal Councils, Fire represents their Life within the game, so if their flame is snuffed out, it would mean that they have been voted out from their respective tribes and out of the game...


On TV, it looks easy to get a fire going out there in a deserted jungle in the middle of nowhere... But it's tough to do so through rubbing stones or sticks together to create some sort of friction, and then a spark, before a tiny flame that they would have to keep it from being snuffed out... So usually during the first day or second day, they compete in a challenge to win flint to make easier fires...


Using a flint, creating sparks for a fire would be easier, and then getting and keeping the flame would be an easier task for the contestants...


It suddenly made me think of how relationships, is somewhat like the entire fire creation we've seen on Survivor or on any camping sites...

It takes a flint, be it chemistry, something unknown & indescribable, or even something we all have come to know as one of the 7 deadly sins; Lust, to get 2 individuals being attracted to each other... A flint would create a spark and then another, before the sparks catches onto some dried leaves or branches and then a fire starts burning...


It is up to the individual whom is starting the fire to keep the flame from being blown out... The individual may try to get more sparks, or try to keep the little spark burning by adding more dried leaves or branches...
Just like a relationship, it is up to the 2 individuals involved to keep the fire in the relationship going... There might be challenges along the way, in the form of strong winds, a spark being too weak to be sustained to keep the fire from going on strong..., or distractions through another individual whom tries to create a bigger fire but ends up snuffing out the initial tiny flame...
Or the individual him / herself might snuff out the flame by being too anxious to create a fire through the tiny spark and added far too much dried leaves or branches which destroys the tiny flame... ...



Many relationships disintegrate due to various of reasons, some not known to the people involved until the fire fizzles out - It might boil down to differing personalities, having grown apart after being together for too long a period of time, the lack of communication, the lack of honesty and trust, feelings changing, the list goes on...


I have been reflecting on why and how my relationships were always never happy endings, and I guess that it was there was never open forms of communications and understanding of the other party well before commitment was established...
Like how once there was a spark or two from the flint, it is always human nature to want to keep the spark burning to get a fire out of that spark... But sometimes, the sparks might not be what they seem to be, sometimes a tiny spark might just fizzle out, just because the individual whom started the fire might not have used adequate amounts of dried leaves or branches to keep the spark from being strong enough...



I truly believe that with the ending of each relationship, people would learn more about themselves, and know what they are really looking for in a relationship...

Like how from each unsuccessful try to create a fire using the flint and dried leaves and branches, people might develop a method to get the sparks started... Lessons are learnt, and some people might choose to ignore the hurt they have once experienced to fully embrace Love once more when it knocks on their doors, while some might choose to totally give up and not pursue happiness...
While some, like me, might choose to sit on the fence and await what would happen...



I was once extremely hurt from the initial failed relationship, where I actually went on a rebound relationship, just to find that special spark which I had never experienced with the Serial Cheater... I had wanted so badly to feel truly appreciated and Love than just being taken for granted, but we know how all, well most, rebound relationships would end, it ended painfully, with me becoming more bitter and jaded in the pursuit of happy-ness...


And just when I least expected it, someone came along and created a spark that was huge enough for me to regain my confidence in Love, which I decided to give Love another shot, cos most people do say the third time is a lucky try...

The flame / relationship, sadly, in my case, fizzled out as we were two extremely different indivviduals trying to work things out to be together as one...

However, through compromising, one side would have to make more sacrifices, and ultimately the sacrificings and compromisings became the root cause of my unhappy-ness as I was no longer whom I was, and how I could no longer enjoy the things I've enjoyed doing, and how I missed the former self... It then became something like an evil root which grew and bore evil fruit, where the former significant things which made me happy became insignificant, and soon enough, like how many have expected, the flame / relationship fizzled out...


I became extremely jaded and cynical, for I myself know that I have tried my best, but perhaps, my best wasn't what the other party was expecting, and like how it is intrinsic in human beings to want much much more (Another one of thte 7 deadly sins, Greed...), I kept giving until I could no longer offer the other party anything else...

I shut and bolted the door towards looking for true Happy-ness and decided to surround myself with positivity through other forms of Love - Love from my dearest friends, Love from my family, and my Love which was slowly but surely developed for my quest for knowledge, aka, that highly expensive silly piece of "toilet paper" called the Degree... :P


After a year odd of being able to learn more about myself and Loving myself more than anything else, I was and still am at a Happy place ~ friends whom truly love me for whom I am and what I have become are still there; Some fair-weathered friends whom have left cos of bad weathers like rain and thunderstorms have left for their own reasons which I don't wish to know nor investigate...
Family is still there enouraging me, although the recent new addition in the form of the Brrother's girlfriend isn't all that rosy as I honestly have a not-so-good vibe about her...

I have even found strength through my failed relationships to encourage others, to make them happier, which I am happy about! :)


A couple of friends have recently commented that with me being such an awesomely cheerful girl with numerous positive traits, it is impossible that I am single...

But the fact of it is that I am single, somewhat by choice and also due to Fate (Haha! Cos I seriously have no one interested! :P ), and simply because I had promised my parents that I would rein in on my Life and concentrate on graduating, cos they know and have seen how relationships have affected my studies, in one way or another...

I didnt want to waste my time on not getting THE degree which has been extremely belated, and how the men that I know in my Life are all happily attached and settled, and how I wasn't receptive to the various matchmaking sessions and to making new friends which I dont know on a personal level, which are reasons why I have been single for the past year odd or so...


I admit that there have been a couple of people whom were interested, whom I wasn't sure of committing anything concrete to, for I was pretty sure that they would not know how to handle the emotional and fragile heart of mine, one which has much glue stuck in many places which hold scars of the wounds once inflicted by the former Loves, and how some tiny pieces have gone missing, never to be found again...

So, I allowed myself to let them down gently, allowing them to pursue the happiness they were looking for, which I could not reciprocate in return...

In the past couple of months, a little buzz has been ringing in my heart off-and-on, where tiny pieces of me wanna enjoy the feelings that i had once had, however fleeting those moments may be, yet I fear hurting myself all over again, worrying people around me and crying myself silly over a person whom wasn't worth it...


I honestly admit that there has been a very recent spark that has been ignited, but I am unsure and uncertain of what this spark is really made of, and whether this spark would become a stronger spark in time to come, or to be let down and have the feelings of disappointment be doused upon the tiny spark and not allowing any flames to be created...


Because of my complicated and unahppy past, I am fearful of what is ahead, partly because it seems like ages since I last felt a spark, that i had almost forgot what being delirious had felt like...
I dont wanna hype things up and to expect anything, for I dont wanna be confronted with the huge disappointment if the spark turned out to be nothing more than a tiny spark that could not evolve into becoming a fire...





To that one tiny spark ~


I am sorry that I don't have and am unable to provide you with the answers that you would like to hear of at this very moment...
I know how anxious you are cos you are also fearful of the unknown, of whether this spark that I have would be put out within a moment or whether it'd become a bigger spark...

If only I was like Google.com, having all the answers to every single thing which would merely make things easier... But with such subjective matters, answers would not be as easily found...

So I am asking you for time, for patience to get to know whether this spark would last for more than just tonight, and for me to discover facets about you as an individual...


I had been like you previously, being overly impatient which led to the many heartaches and disappointments which I have been through, so I am forcing myself to have a little bit more of patience and an open heart this time around...
Some parts of me fear for the unknown, yet some parts of me want that magic spark to last for more than just one single night...


Bear with me for that is the only thing I can assure you of now at this very moment... ...


=)

Just Once - James Ingram

A song that I have been replaying on my music player recently...

Enjoy! =)

I did my best,
But I guess my best wasn't good enough;
Cause here we are
Back where we were before...
Seems nothin' ever changes,
We're back to being strangers,
Wondering if we ought to stay,
Or head on out the door?

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong?
Why we never last for very long?
What are we doin' wrong?

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right?
To make the magic last for more than just one night...
If we could just get to it,
I know we could break through it...
(Hmm hmmmm)

I gave my all,
But I think my all may have been too much,
Cause Lord knows we're not gettin' anywhere...
Seems we're always blowin',
Whatever we've got goin',
And it seems at times with all we've got,
We haven't got a prayer...

Just once...

Can't we figure out what we keep doin' wrong?
Why the good times never last for long?
Where are we goin' wrong?

Just once...

Can't we find a way to finally make it right?
To make the magic last for more than just one night?
I know we could break through it,
If we could just get to it...

(Bridge)
Just once...
I want to understand.....
Why it always comes back to goodbye?
Why?
Can't we get ourselves in hand,
And admit to one another,
We're no good without each other,
Take the best and make it better,
Find a way to stay together...

Just once.....

Can't we find a way to finally make it right (Whoa)?
Make the magic last for more than just one night?
I know we could break through it,
If we could just get to it...

Just Once.....

Whoa oh, we can get to it...

Just Once.....

It's been a year...

Since that phone call over the weekend which was probing me of whom was the person I was so busily distracted from yakking over the phone, where I was so un-like my usual self, sounding very distant while making sure that the curry that I was cooking wouldn't be burnt... I still have the SMS from that phonecaller, whom was asking for whom I was trying to be a "gud housewife" to...


I've never really told anyone, but it was that very same weekend which was the last time that I cried myself to sleep, surrounded by acquaintances I had barely knew, where with a bandaged knee, having the cold hard floor as my company... I had no shoulder to cry on, no one whom comforted, with only the sound of the waves along East Coast Beach for company... I had wanted to walk home alone at 4am, lay on my bed, and just cover myself in the sheets and just cry it out... But I feared that my Mummy would worry about why I was home when I said I would be out for the weekend, and how upset I had been... I didn't want her to worry... :(


The so-called ♥ was asleep soundly, surrounded by his buddies of decades, where no one even bothered to give up some resting place for me, whom had a recently operated knee that was still in pain...
But the hurt had somehow paled in comparison to the hurt that I had felt in my heart... You knew my knee was hurting as it hadn't fully recovered from my operation at the hospital, yet you chose to hush me than to tell your friends to let me have the bed at the chalet...

***

You knew I had wanted your presence just before I had my operation at the hospital, but there you were, lying in the comforts of your room, giving me a live commentary of what was showing on National Geographic... I remembered you rambling on about how some African tribe was performing some ritual...
I also remembered telling the doctor to give me a stronger dosage of the general anaesthesia as I laid on the operating table... I had told the doctor that it was too painful for me to bear; I knew I was lying ~ it was the hurt from your nonchalance and the emptiness I had felt that hurt more than the wound on my knee...
Every single day, I am reminded by your heartlessness when I look at the bump on my knee, yet, at the very next moment, I am reminded of how what hadn't and doesn't kill would merely make me become a stronger girl...


***


Instead of coming over to comfort me as I had blatantly asked of you when I was really sick from a high fever, you merely nonchalantly told me to drink more water and hung up the phone as your friends were waiting for you at the gym, and you didn't want to keep them from waiting...
How could you be so heartless?
How could you simply just take me for granted and only be around when you needed cheering up when you get all emo over your family or work matters, or how you needed financial support in the form of drinking funds for the weekends?


I remembered the argument we had over nonsensicals; I merely had just wanted and wished for you to be honest with me. I had already told you how I cannot endure lies for I have had endured far too many lies in my past relationships... Yet you had to betray the trust that I had in you...
How could you?
You have a very complicated past and family whom lied constantly and yet you lied to the so-called person you had claimed to love?
What a load of bollocks!
Pure bullshite!!


You didnt even filch nor stop me when I took a cigarette from your pack of Marbolos and lighted up that very weekend a year ago... It started to drizzle, then came the pouring thunderstorm; But the strong gusts of winds could never compare to how cold my heart had felt...


It took me 4 months to kick that habit of lighting up whenever I had thought of you... I had never liked smoking, but yet I had became a slave to the addiction, just because I had wanted some attention of any sorts from a man that don't deserve my ♥, my time, nor my efforts...


I remembered how I got so drunk because of you, hugging a gf while crying over someone who don't deserve any of my Love, whom I had wasted so much time, effort and money over...
I was a happy girl and then you had to come along and wreck the happiness and optimism in me... I am now back in a happy place, surrounded by family and friends whom care; but deep within me I know that once a heart has been broken into pieces, it will never ever be the same again...


As the strong gusts of winds blow like how it blew exactly a year ago as I type this, I remind myself to never ever allow myself to be taken for granted by another person ever again, and to never ever cry over a man who don't deserve ME...


And to the Special friend whom sms-ed me that weekend a year ago ~ No, the curry didn't get burnt, although his so-called friends said it wasn't yummy; but yet they finished the whole pot...


*Cynic Smile*


I really do appreciate the ♥, care and concern that my Special friend have showered upon me from miles away for so many many years... I have no idea of how you have the knack for calling or sms-ing me when I always am feeling blue; and I cannot tell you enough times of how appreciative I am for those calls and sms-es... It really means alot to me! :)

“Keep on beginning and failing. Each time you fail, start all over again, and you will grow stronger until you have accomplished a purpose - not the one you began with perhaps, but one you'll be glad to remember.”

“People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved.”

~ Anne Sullivan

I am now stronger and have succeeded in being a happier person!

♥

*Snip sNip*

I went from the what i called "Curry Puff / Pok Pok Puffed hair" to ... ...

Before...






Looking kinda like an Octopus with that Puffy head and with the machine's pipes resembling my tentacles...

*LauGhs*

:P

In between...
"Steaming" the "Crowning Glory"




And after a very "heated" duration acting as a wannabe Octopus... ...


After...
My hair looks even Black-er now, and I didn't even dye it!!
*LoVesss*

=)

The weather was getting to me - Humid, dry, and I even got a shade darker from just walking around without a brolly!! (*HurHur.. Poor me!* :~( )


I wanted so badly to get something done to my hair and after much proscrastination ... ...


I went for a haircut!


The 1st Singleton haircut since 2007!
*LauGhs*


I'm pretty anal when it comes to my hair;
(for some unknown, random reason, I rarely allow people to touch my hair...)

I was actually quite hesitant to chop off my locks, due to me having bad experiences with hairstylists who wanna earn the buck than to really listen to what I want for my hair...

But my previous experience of getting a haircut was amazing, so I wasn't that frightened to
re-visit the salon... But my previous Hairstylist / Boss of the salon absconded with the salon's funds, never to return (I'm not kidding!), so I handed my locks over to the new Boss, who really looks familiar, as though I've seen him around in St James, which he vehemently denies... ...
:P



Truth is, it wasn't anything much of a drastic haircut, it was merely a trim, of probably 2 inches to snip off all the bad split ends... (Strange, but my split ends are getting bad... Probably cos i'm getting, unfortunately, older... *SiGh*) But I finally mustered courage to get some treatment for the locks, cos I usually dislike having heat or chemicals on my head... But knowing how shitty my hair looks and how un-happy I've been recently, i decided to go ahead with my gut feeling to get the more things done to my hair just to cheer myself up...


And?




The after effects was so amazing!!


=D


I ♥ my hair!!

It smells really good, feels real bouncy, and it really feels and looks like those hair ad-worthy of luscious locks!!

And the best bit? My hair treatment only cost me $35, which according to my Hairstylist, is at 50% off due to the Great Singapore Sale!

But according to my Brother, whom is a regular at the salon, is suspicious of why the treatment of my hair of such long length would only cost $35...


(Ermm, maybe because my Hairstylist thinks I'm hilariously humorous, or that Business was slow earlier this afternoon? :P )

*LauGhs*



Even Mummy ♥s my hair and told me to ring up my Hairstylist and let him know that my "Elder Sister" would love to get her hair snipped there!
*LauGhs*


(Cos I told her the story of how I asked the Hairstylist if he was surprised that I'm my brother's younger sister, cos most people have commented that I look older than he does... *LauGhs* )




For the first time, in a very very longgggggg while... I'm absolutely happy with how my hair turned out!!





YiPPpppppEEeeee!!!


=D



♥♥♥

A Sporadic Update...

*LauGhs*

My bad!



The reasons why this blog has not been updated in eons when Ive promised I would have is because... ...


I seriously am darn terribly busy!
(I wished I had 30 hours in a day! So that I'd be able to sleep for another 6 more hours! :P )

*At close to 6am after a night out at the clubs!*


I've been busy saving the economy, shopping, and window shopping more often since the office has reduced everyone's pay by making us work less hours...

Less for $hoe fund$! HurHur! :~(

*TeeHee*
(Don't ya just adore the PINK rose? So cuttee!!)


My buys from the trip to KL; Malaysia in February!
(I went with my Brother!! :P )


During one of the shopping sprees with my daRLing YuN in March!
(I *heart* the MAC Hello Kitty brochure lots! :D )


I've also been out clubbing, painting the town PINK in my LBDs, and having a whale of a time!

And I met up with my BFF for some teh halia (Ginger tea) at our fave joint!

My BESTEST friend for 13 years and counting!!
:D

I cannot wait to go shopping with her just like the good old times in JB!
:P

*sMiLes*


And I met up with real long-time mates for some Karaoke!!!

=)

And there's school, tutorials and readings to complete, and mundane routine called work!


Which reminds me, I've smthg from school to mug, so I'd update again... ...

REALLY SOON!!!


=D




*heaRts*

阴天...

My bad - I havent been blogging!

And since all my pictures are taken by my darLing Yun who is pretty laggy with loading pics into her PC, I've since loaded what she has sent up onto FaceBook, so much so that this pinky lil' site has been very ignored!


Another reason, which is pretty lame, is cos I didnt wanna blog as it had reminded me too much of my previous relationship, and how his colleagues would check up my blog and all...


It was a wee bit too much for me to bear to blog, for wounds were raw, open and I was terribly hurt...


Lame, I know...


Well, althought there are times when I still think of him (I even texted him in one of those random moments, and cried in darLing Yun's lap over him, those days are hopefully over...), I'm definitely at a happier place in my Life. where I am happy to have family and dear friends that Love me so much!! :)



My BAD!! (>.<") I will get the layers of dust off my blog once exams are over!!!


And to those who dunno, I had my 1st A after my A levels for one of my modules last semester!! :D

And I'm extremely proud to say that I survived a round of retrenchment at my Forever21 age!!

*LauGhs*



I had a fun night with my darLings at our usual joint, with some silly guy buying us 2 bottles of M&C, and we had beers and hard liquors as well!! :P


BacK to Books and Notes!!

Here's something to share, which I had posted onto my FaceBook page...

:)



One of my all-time fave songs, which has been my constant companion during my studying during this time, and how it suits the weather currently...


I heart the lyrics of the song too!


Very accurate description of the game of Love, well, for me anyways...


Enjoy the MV, and the lyrics...


Since the "gah-men" says to speak more Mandarin from now, if anyone needs translation, pay me and I'd share!


*LauGhs*











莫文蔚 - 阴天

"阴天, 在不开灯的房间,
当所有思绪都一点一点沉淀...

爱情, 究竟是精神鸦片,
还是世纪末的无聊消遣?

香烟, 氲成一摊光圈.
和他的照片就摆在手边,
傻傻两个人笑得多甜...


开始总是分分钟都妙不可言,
谁都认为热情它永不会减,
除了激情褪去后的那一点点倦...


也许像谁说过的贪得无厌,
活该应了谁说过的不知检点.
总之那几年感性赢了理性那一面...


阴天在不开灯的房间,
当所有思绪都一点一点沉淀,
爱恨情欲里的疑点盲点,
呼之欲出那么明显...

女孩, 通通让到一边,
这歌里的细微末节就算都体验,
若想真明白, 真要好几年...


回想那一天, 喧闹的喜宴...
耳边想起的究竟是序曲或完结篇?


感情, 不就是你情我愿,
最好爱狠扯平俩不相欠.
感情说穿了, 一人挣脱的, 一人去捡...


男人大可不必百口莫辨,
女人实在无须楚楚可怜...
总之那几年, 你们俩个没有缘...


阴天, 在不开灯的房间,
当所有思绪都一点一点沉淀.
爱情, 究竟是精神鸦,
还是世纪末的无聊消遣?

香烟, 氲成一摊光圈,
和他的照片就摆在手边...


傻傻两个人, 笑得多甜...
傻傻两个人, 笑得多甜..."