My life has always been in shades of grey, with touches of various shades of PINK (my fave colour!). Let me share bits of my lil' life with you...Welcome to my blog! I hope you'd like and enjoy what you read! :)
Has flown by pretty quickly... And we're inching so close towards the festive season! :)
I have no idea of how I am gonna bring in the jingle bells, but I feel like just chilling at home over pizzas, wine, and DVDs!
On another note, bestie neRd's apparently really good friend is coming over to SG in a fortnight's time or earlier, and I can finally pass the stuff that my dearest friend bought online and sent to my place cos apparently, postal services in his part of the world tend to get his loot missing!
NerD, U'd better get Mario to pass me my belated birthday pressie in exchange for your stash! *EviL LauGhs*
You've been warned! *MeoW*
I am somewhat excited! But it would even be greater if the bestie himself could make it here...Cos I just realised something - We've never ever taken a picture together! *GoSH* And he's my bestest guy friend for a decade odd and counting! *Feigns a fainting spell in mock horror* And I wanna make him stone cold dead drunk in some gay bar and make the gay men crawl all over him! *LauGhs*
Anyways, I've digressed...
The fortnight thus far has been fulfilling and busy! But it takes a fortnight for habits to form (I read that from somewhere), and somehow, in some weird way or another, Ive managed to squeeze time out to do girly stuff with my gfs, and I feel fat already!!
It was German beer over last weekend, pint-fuls of it! And not to mention that silly waiter's attempt to make me and my daRLing YuN drunk over a shot of Jagermeister each..! All Ive gotta say is, try harder hun!
And it was girl bonding over Ashahi earlier on...For the uninitiated, it's a Japanese beer, which is tasty, but nothing beats my German Lager! *LauGhs* And we didn't camwhore!! :(
Amidst the beers and talks, I've also had bites of chocolates and chips over the fortnight! Very very sinful! And the funny thing is beer does keep me real awake, so it adds onto the bagful of bags, which adds up to a very fugly pZ that's bloated from beer and sinful chocolates! *CrieS*
pZ needs a jog!!!
And guess what..?
It's finally FRIDAY!!! YippeeeEEee!! =D
This weekend would be a test for me, well, of sorts...I'm keeping my fingers crossed and am hoping that all would be well and turn out fine for me!
For the families and friends of the 5 young men who perished in the choppy waters of Cambodia...
Although I might not know you guys as individuals nor friends, and I've only read about you through the snippets of information via the newspapers, all I wanna say is that I can only offer my condolences, and that although Life was cruelly robbed away from the 5 of you; What matter is that you all have lead your life to the fullest, however short the life was...
5 families have been robbed of a young son, a brother, a loved one; all promising and filled with zest for life, and you all sacrificed while doing a sport that you enjoyed and liked. I take a moment's worth of silence, and I am sure that Singapore is mourning. May such incidents never happen in the sports fraternity again.
My condolences to the families, and for those whom survived the tragedies of such a terrible accident - Keep those chins and paddle oars high up, for I am sure that your friends whom are no longer with you would want you guys to keep that fighting spirit going!
A moment of silence, and it's really at times like these that you realised the fragility of Life; and the unpredictables of Life itself.
1) Black - Because it's slimming and easy to match. 2) PINK - Because it's my all-time FAVE colour! 3) Red/White - Am stuck between these 2 colours cos I have quite a fair bit of white and red clothes (It adds up to PINK ya see! :P )
Your accessory weakness:
Definitely earrings! My brother is amazed by the pairs that I have! *LauGhs* I do keep them nicely categorised in labelled boxes!
SHOES - Just can't get enough of pointy heels and towering heels! 70% of what is in the shoe cabinet at home's mine! *LauGhs*
Your favourite gem:
DIAMONDS - Every girl's best friend! =)
Your favourite clothing:
I adore wearing dresses, I love dressing up for no apparent reason! =)
I adore tee shirts with funny/quirky phrases - Have one that says "Your boyfriend is staring."; Another that says "Voted BEST KISSER by your boyfriend."
I have an absolute weakness for halternecks and tube tops; and a couple of years ago, mini-skirts!
But I could never ever do without jeans!
Your watch:
I've got plenty of cheap watches in the past, until I realised that they look cute, but they aren't that durable... Currently am wearing my Sovil et Titus watch given by Mummy dearest, who bought it for me to replace the watch that the ex ex bf gave to me. *LauGhs* It's got a PINK face, with a pretty butterfly! =)
I do still wear the Fossil watch that the ex ex bf bought as a Birthday pressie eons ago cos it's more formal-looking, has 2 dial faces so I can have 2 times for different time zones. But both dials are of local time zones! Hahs!
I adore my Swatch that was a 21 year old birthday pressie from the ex ex bf's staff and colleagues! It's all PINKy and orangey beads and the ticking's so loud that it sounds like a bomb ticking! :P
And a newly acquired $20 watch with fake bling bling from Far East Plaza while shopping with my darLing Sara recently! :)
Your favourite pair of jeans:
It's gotta be these pair of skinnies that aren't that skinny...Makes my legs look longer every time I wear them! And this pair of slight bootcut jeans! Those in Mango and Zara don't really work for me, cos I have a bigger butt than most SG women, so it looks really weird on me! :P Really wanna get something flattering but it's so hard to find... *LauGhs*
Your favourite designer:
I adore Vera Wang's range of wedding dresses, they always look so stunningly beautiful! But basically, I go for comfort and style than the name of a designer that I might even mispronounce! I love going through the flea markets in SG, and those in BANGKOK! I adore typical brands in SG from the UK, like Topshop, Zara, Dorothy Perkins, Warehouse, Mango... But Forever 21's overpriced and has lousy workmanship!
It's been rainy and breezy the past few days, and it being rainy means that I can either sleep like a log (Christmas log! It's 34 days to Christmas!) cos it's so cooling and un-stuffy at nights, or that I can be wide awake, for the roof above my head and bed has been leaking, so imagine the pitter patter sound that keeps me wide awake...! Which probably explains the eyebags being a bagful, pun intended, these days...
I remember when I was young, and still living in that really huge house of mine, I would have nights when I couldn't sleep, which explains why I've always been such a night owl...I would often let my thoughts wander and daydream (Or nightdream, whichever way you look at it...) about the future while looking into the vast dark skies that was sometimes filled to the brim with shiny little stars, and sometimes just a huge piece of dark blanket with hardly any twinkle in the vast sky out there with the faint snores of my brother as company...
The thoughts that went through my mind were typically whimsical thoughts, of how I yearn to be able to provide and support the family and being a successful person, and obviously falling in love, and having a "happily ever after..." kinda romance story.., where they would be the nonsensical silly arguments, but at the end of the day, it would still be one happy squabbling couple...
"Sweet dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree...? You'd travel the world, and the seven seas; Everybody's looking for something..."
Life is so amazing in such a way that there would be times when you're kind of looking for something and that you'd think you know you're correct about something, yet subconsciously, your mind tells you the polar opposite...Perhaps its a hunch, or the intuitive sixth sense, or instinct, I cannot pin-point the exact word to describe it; Yet sometimes, your gut feeling tells you that you're correct, yet sometimes, it might just be that one is thinking too much of stuff...
I cannot help it that I am a natural pessimist that sees the glass as being half full, and that I am a natural worrier... Or maybe its got to do with the fact that I always try my best, be it for friends, or for issues in life, so much so when it all falls apart, I get disappointed and I try to protect myself even more, for I am fearful of getting hurt once more. But with each setback I have experienced, the experiences have made me much stronger than I have never imagined possible.
Likewise, in this case, I have made decisions, and with each passing day I know that it's been a long road discovering things about myself and of other issues that really matter to me. It has been an eye-opener, for I really have no absolute idea where I found the intrinsic strength to bounce back into the game of Life, and even helped out my dearest friends who are going through patches recently.
I guess the setbacks that I have experienced along the way have made me become stronger, and more aware of issues around me. Of course there are the lovely friends whose talks and chats with me made so much sense and that they have indirectly helped answered the questions that I probably had all along, but didn't seem to have the correct answers, or that I was just simply afraid of knowing the truth and answers, cos I knew I was instinctively correct... Their encouragements and advices did contribute to me becoming stronger... I am just surprised at how quickly I have adapted and stood up to the challenges that were waiting for me...! =)
Like in this rainy season, where when the rain and stormy weather clears, there would be clear blue skies ahead! And I now am beginning to see that clear blue skies, and even the rainbow ahead of me! =) Granted that there would be times when there might be rainy and stormy skies again, but come what may, I hope that I can make it through each shower there is and become a much stronger, better and happier person! =)
Thank you, to all my lovely darLinGs! Thank you for listening, for having an open heart, for not judging, for being honest, for your encouragements and for helping and wanting me to become better! I *HeaRt* you all! =)
"When you get caught in the rain. With no where to run. When you are distraught and in pain Without anyone, When you keep crying out to be saved. But nobody comes, And you feel so far away. That you just can't find your way home You can get there alone it's okay; once you say.
I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again. On my own, and I know, That I'm strong enough to mend. And everytime I feel afraid, I hold tighter to my faith. And I live one more day, And I make it through the rain.
And if you keep falling down, Don't you dare give in. You will arise safe and sound. So keep pressing on steadfastly. And you'll find what you'll need to prevail; Once you say.
I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again, On my own, and I know, That I'm strong enough to mend. And everytime I feel afraid, I hold tighter to my faith. And I live one more day, And I make it through the rain.
And when the wind blows, And shadows grow close, Don't be afraid, There's nothing you can't face. And should they tell you You'll never pull through Don't hesitate, stand tall and say...
I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again. On my own, and I know That I'm strong enough to mend. And everytime I feel afraid, I hold tighter to my faith. And I live one more day, And I make it through the rain...
I can make it through the rain... And stand up once again, And I'll live one more day, and I I can make it through the rain... Oh yes you can, Oh you're gonna make it through the rain... ..."
After having the time to ponder things through, suddenly things became clearer to me...
Granted there are the regrets, the laments, the "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves"... But like what I used to tell people that needed my listening ear - There is much more to life than the "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves", and in my case, I think that it does apply - Admittingly, there would have been alot of things I would and wouldn't do had I known the outcome, but it wouldn't have brought me to where I am today, and I can definitely say that it has made me grown up in certain ways, and I now know for certain that there are flaws inherent in me that needs some fine tuning, so that pZ would become a better person for her ownself; and that there isn't a party whose right or wrong in the relationship, for it takes two and whole lotta patience and understanding for things to work!
Perhaps its better that things between us ended this way, for stepping a step behind to look at the bigger picture, I realised that there were cracks in our relationship even when we were still together - I sensed it when you suddenly became distant, but I feared mentioning it to you, for I didn't wanna wreck what we had by going into another senseless argument. I did try to probe, but you became somewhat angry; so I didn't dare to bring the issue up again. I just thought that you were just tired and stressed out from work. And when I did try to resolve the conflict/issues-at-hand, nothing was resolved, and you grew to become more distant from me.
I do admit that there were nights when I lie awake, thinking what had gone wrong, there were the tears of frustration and anger, for I was angry that I had allowed 2 persons very much in love to become the state that they are in - We were in love, but cracks were appearing, and we were so cordial and distant to each other. I, being the happy-go-lucky and silly girl that I am, had thought that Love would conquer all... But I failed to stop and evaluate things from another perspective; That perhaps you were so drained out by me and my antics that you didn't know how to handle or what to do anymore.
On top of that, you had pressures at home and at work. I wanted so much for you to be more ambitious, for you said work was no longer enjoyable and you were often bogged down by work. Perhaps I demanded too much out from you, for do admit that I can get pushy and demanding after a while; but I am glad that you've now found new goals and ambitions in life to chase.
Had we still been together, you might have never go ahead with your current opportunities; I realised that a person only lives once, and sometimes, great opportunities comes knocking only once, and it's now or never for you to succeed. I know men in general have goals and ambitions, and many are motivated to fulfill their goals before reaching a certain age. I wanted you to have more drive and ambition, cos I know you're capable of so much more than to be bogged down by the nitty gritty of the banking world. For I know that you are capable of far greater things than what you were doing at the bank. =)
Maybe I was the anchor that was holding you down - I admit that I sometimes can be the worry of people around me who cares, cos I've always had a problem deciding which bridges to burn and which ones to cross; I have always been insecure and I have always felt the need to be accepted since young. Which is probably why I can become a totally indecisive person when at times decisions are needed to be made. I would be indecisive simply because I wanna please the other party, and I would wanna give a politically correct answer so that I wouldn't be harshly judged. That is human nature - we tend to protect ourselves for fear of getting hurt. I guess it happened to us, for despite it all, we do share similarities, where we've both been hurt and let down by people around us whom we cared about, so naturally we have a self-mechanised wall of defense built up.
Perhaps deep down, it is my way of dealing with my innermost insecurities - Brother's friend was accurate in saying that I am actually a very nice and sincere friend in general, and to those that doesn't know me very well would tend to think that I'm a very fake/hypocritical person, for to protect myself, I tend to have masks and show different sides to strangers. Sometimes, I unwittingly say things that can hurt, for I can get brutally honest as i tend to shoot my mouth off without thinking of the consequences of my words. That is because I merely have walls built up to prevent myself from getting hurt, for I have been hurt, stabbed in the back and have been disappointed by so many people in the past. And I guess DarLing PearLyn was correct in saying that I am very nice to people that I wanna be nice to; and it's something that I cannot stop/avoid doing. =)
Nothing about the relationship was faked; It was me at my most sincere and what I had felt for you was beyond anything I had ever felt before. You've taught me so much - patience, honesty, caring, understanding and most importantly, how to love another unconditionally. I guess somewhere along the way, things inevitably turned out to what they are today for we weren't and had stopped communicating.
Brother and I had a long conversation the other day, and he merely told me -
"Love would find a way. Indifference would only find excuses."
Perhaps, it was what was the catalyst for things as they are now. We had stopped communicating that things between us was strangely weird. We knew there was a problem, but we chose to avoid the problem than to really trash things out, simply because I knew you didn't and couldn't bear to hurt my feelings for I couldn't take the harshness of reality as it is. What you did was out of Love, you were being protective and sensitive towards my feelings; but I guess there came to a point where you couldn't be protective towards me anymore, for you had to protect yourself first.
Now the indifferences are finding its excuses - You said you've been busy, and more often than not, people would usually use being busy as an excuse to avoid conflicts or issues. It's similar to telling friends that you were late because you were caught in a jam when you were actually busy with something else. You said you cannot be there for me, to support and guide me to becoming a better person and that you've asked my friends around me to be there for me because you're wary of history repeating itself, that the same issues would become problems again in the future; that you don't wanna be unfair to me as your new goals would see you travelling often, and you don't wanna tie me down. I sensed that it is merely due to the fact that you are now indifferent, and thus you are now capable of washing your hands off me, for you no longer have the obligation nor responsibility to be there for me anymore.
Excuses are often made up to cover one's guilt and to make himself/herself feel better. We are all guilty of making excuses to make ourselves feel better, that I don't deny. And I finally understand the avoidance; you need to get away from me to avoid getting hurt much more in any way. It's basic human instinct, and I really don't blame you for your indifferences and your avoidances, for we were both at fault for not communicating with each other, so much so that when we have no idea of how to deal with an issue-at-hand, what more, in this case, its to do with the affairs of the heart, so naturally we would run for cover, hoping that with time, when the wounds are not as tender, we might talk to each other.
Very often, pride gets in the way of communication as well. Likewise, I have been guilty of that, where I used to not want to listen to your advice or words merely because I know that they are, despite it being hurting and harsh, they were the truth; and that you had meant well for it. I would often allow the emotions to get the better of me and flare up at you, which I am really sorry for - It was never my intention to lash out at you; Most of the times, emotions got the uglier side of me, and I am really thankful towards you for enduring like you did. You clammed up after a while because you knew I couldn't stand hearing the harsh facts when I should have, you wanted to protect me, so you chose not to tell me those harsh facts after a while, which was perhaps one of the reasons we stopped communicating.
I guess karma does work both ways - Pride might be one of the reasons that is making us not communicate. Humans have egos, and after all that has happened, you have the right to be angry and disappointed at me, and I guess, in a certain way, both parties are waiting for the other party to make the first move, but yet, at the same time, both parties hope that there wouldn't be contact now for the wounds are still too raw and it still hurts. I do not know if you feel this way, for you might have already moved on; I do know that you're mentally much stronger as you've faced more obstacles in Life than I have, despite the fact that we are almost of the same age.
Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose, that is Life, and it is undeniable. I cannot say who is the winner this time around, for we are both winners for we have learnt more about the affairs of the heart.
The failure of this relationship was perhaps the catalyst of the beginnings of your goals and aspirations. I even wonder if you would even remember that there was once the existence of this silly little girl whom was once in your life, encouraging you to press on with those imaginary pink pompoms and her random and silly jokes when you've become successful. You now can and are able to pursue what your heart desires, you told me you're learning how to golf, and that sport is a very important aspect of social interaction in the business field; and who knows, it might be of great use one day when you manage to secure something financially important over a game of golf?
You are the winner because you are finally free and single - You no longer have to constantly worry about this silly little girl and her crazy antics that were constant worries for you. You no longer have to fret over coming up with surprises while hoping that she would not find out for she is naturally inquisitive. You can now rest at nights, knowing that she wouldn't be the image of your nightmares (You once dreamt of me chasing you with choppers and knives; I should have realised that those were warning signs, but I don't blame you...); You are now free to do whatever your heart desires... And I really wish nothing but the best for you... =)
I am a winner in the sense that I have finally learnt the true meaning of Love and how sacred it is, and it only happens to very fortunate people. I have finally learnt so much more about myself and the flaws that are inherent in me. It would be a long journey ahead to change for the better, but like how I have told you on the phone, I'd be fine. Afterall, it's high time that I ought to start looking after myself and not let others constantly worry about me. People usually learn from their past mistakes, and I have fallen, but it's up to myself to get back up on my own two feet again and face the challenges ahead. Don't worry!
And with me having new directions in Life, I can now fully concentrate on what is on hand and juggle work and studies; it wouldn't be easy, but nothing is ever easy in Life! I would most definitely look back at this moment in my life with a serene smile, knowing that once everything falls into place, I would be kept very busy; hopefully, it would be an enriching and rewarding road ahead for me!
We might not be winners with this relationship, but we are most definitely going to emerge victorious and becoming better individuals in Life!
I wish nothing but the best for you.
And perhaps one fine day, we might be able to share a joke or two again underneath the canopy of stars and deck chairs like those early days along the sandy beaches of Cafe Del Mar and East Coast Park...
I do not know what the future holds for me, but for now, affairs of the heart would most definitely take a back seat... All the wonderful memories that we have shared would be buried deep within the sands, and one day, it might get washed up; It might get washed away... Like all life stories, what we had shared would become a memorable but achingly beautiful chapter of my life... But for now, right at this moment, I cannot bear to close this chapter and allow the memories to fade away for I still love you...
Thank you for being my twinkle little star! *
*sMiLes*
(Special credits goes out to all my treasured darLings who have made the effort to cheer me up and to be there for me despite their busy schedules! I *heaRt* all of you!)
"Just like a star across my sky, Just like an angel off the page, You have appeared to my life, Feel like I'll never be the same, Just like a song in my heart, Just like oil on my hands, Honour to love you,
Still i wonder why it is, I don't argue like this With anyone but you, We do it all the time, Blowing out my mind,
You've got this look i can't describe, You make me feel I'm alive, When everything else is au faite, Without a doubt you're on my side, Heaven has been away too long, Can't find the words to write this song, Oh, your love...
Still i wonder why it is, I don't argue like this With anyone but you, We do it all the time, Blowing out my mind, Yeah
Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na na na
Now I have come to understand The way it is, It's not a secret anymore, 'cause we've been through that before, From tonight I know that you're the only one, I've been confused and in the dark, Now I understand, Yeah
Oooo Oooo
I wonder why it is, I don't argue like this, With anyone but you, I wonder why it is, I won't let my guard down, For anyone but you We do it all the time, Blowing out my mind,
Just like a star across my sky, Just like an angel off the page, You have appeared to my life, Feel like I'll never be the same, Just like a song in my heart, Just like oil on my hands... ..."
Inspired by the song as below, I know it doesn't really rhyme, and that it's somewhat plagiarising bits of the lyrics to the song... But it's a honest confession of what I feel at this moment in time, so do bear with me...
Nowhere Left to Fall
I kept telling myself not to let the tears fall down, for I have got to be strong. But the hurt is still too raw and too tender, How I wished I had the power to amend the wrong.
Maybe it's like what you've said, You've got no more room inside your heart and life for me... Then again, it's been my fault, So I've nobody to blame but myself when I have got no where left to fall.
The happy memories of us still lingers on; Where we once shared laughter, dreams and tears. I'm right at the bottom now, when once upon a time, I used to be right on top.
Is this how things should end, With just a simple telephone call? That voice that was once filled with warmth; Leaving me here with nothing at all?
I know I shouldn't care, I shouldn't even bother, I shouldn't even wonder where, I shouldn't even wonder how you are.
But I cannot hide this hurt inside my broken heart. Trying my best to fight back emotions that I've never fought before are all but futile, for although I'm not supposed to love you anymore, Yet, deep within me, I still do... ...
(I've found my muse back after eons of years since then, but in return, it seems as though I've lost something far greater...
But then again, the person whom inspired the above musing wouldn't know... ... )
"We agreed that it was over, now the lines have all been drawn, the vows we made began to fade, but now they're gone.
Put your pictures in a shoe box, and my gold ring in a drawer. I'm not suppose to love you anymore.
Now Sherry says she's jealous of this freedom that I've found. If she were me she would be out on the town, and she says she can't imagine what on earth I'm waiting for. I'm not suppose to love you anymore.
Oh I shouldn't care, or wonder where, and how you are, but I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before, cause I'm not suppose to love you anymore.
Now I'm writing you this letter and it's killing me tonight, that I agreed when you believed it wasn't right, and I couldn't sleep up on the bed, so I'm down here on the floor, where I'm not suppose to love you anymore.
Oh I shouldn't care, or wonder where, and how you are, but I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before, cause I'm not suppose to love you anymore.
I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before cause I'm not suppose to love you anymore... ..."
"There's a time for everything, even the smallest experiences. When we're not ready for them, things simply fall apart no matter how hard we try to patch things up..."
That phone call was anticipated with dread, fear, and disappointment; But the outcome of it, was, surprisingly better than I had feared; for I had feared for, and expected the worst...
After that phone call, it became clear to me that I had to move on; I had to leave the past behind and smile towards more treasures that the future may hold for me.
Friends were correct in telling me to move on, but I had refused to at that point in time, merely because I wanted answers rather than avoidance; Simply because I am a person that wants answers, cos avoiding each other cant solve problems, rather, in this case, it left me wondering about every little thing and letting this mind of mine wander the way it should.
I guess, stepping into your shoes, you needed time to be a free bird, to interact with friends and ponder what and how you wanted to put things across; for I am sure it isn't easy on your part as well...
In a nutshell, that call you made was liberating and comforting; It warms my heart to know that you've got friends that are rallying around you as well, and that you are tired, but definitely sounding happier...! =)
I refuse to bear any grudges, or even regret whatever we had shared, simply because I was very fortunate to have had the experience of loving someone, sharing and caring for someone whom was amazingly and imperfectly special to me...
Looking back, what had led us to where I am today is of my fault, for I've always had the hardest time figuring which bridges to cross and which to burn, which, in a huge nutshell, led us to where I am today...
I've always thought that it would be good if we had a reserve of internal strength because a relationship subjects a person to vulnerabilities and uncertainties, and admittingly, we often are confronted with the conflict of trying to compromise and also to make a definite stand on certain issues. Many times, I was faced with problems and issues that left me exasperated, without any clue of a solution. We had our share of differences, and i thought it was complementary that such differences existed, like how people always say that opposites attract, but sometimes, I just couldn't understand him, nor he me.
That's why, it always stirs my soul whenever I see an elderly couple hand-in-hand along the beach with a serene smile - Their silence shows their togetherness and ease with each other. I'd always look at that scene with a smile on my face, hoping that I'd be like one of them in the future... Having to hold someone's wrinkly old hand through life and it's journeys, and laughing when his dentures falls out of place, and reminiscing about the times when he had a complete set of teeth, and how I would, without fail, wake him up with a smile on my face after squeezing the toothpaste on his toothbrush, and preparing his breakfast...
Those whimsical pictures in my mind... =)
I had always thought that I was mature enough to take the responsibility of taking care of another life besides mine, but I failed miserably, for I had no idea of what a true relationship had entailed. =(
After having the time to think things through, it dawned on me that two person who can keep the love alive, are the most special human beings on Earth. When I was single, I had thought I had to find someone to be comfortable with. But now, I think that it is one of the things that a couple has to constantly work on.
Two individuals can always grow together spiritually and intellectually but a relationship is how two separate humans subtly become one. That, in my opinion, is one of the most formidable task. It would be simple if our characters could just fill up the nooks and crevices of each other's lives.
Now, I finally realised what people mean when they say that a person has to be complete and happy herself/himself before she/he is able to seek another complete happy circle amongst the billions of people out there; I had always thought that I was complete and happy as a being, but I guess I was wrong, for somehow along the way, I got lost in Love. Love, like what they say is blind, and whenever I am in Love, I am often lost and blinded. I failed to see and evaluate my behaviour the way I should have done.
Love does work its charms on people that are in Love; when I was happily single after the previous boyfriend, I was independent - I loved meeting up with my friends, doing silly and random things with my gfs and family. I loved cheering people around me up and I adored having time on my own, doing the things I could have never had done with the possessive ex bf. And when Love hits, I become somewhat domesticated, and would suddenly have this urge of wanting to do so much for the other party - Planning surprises to cheer up his day, and wanting so badly to spend more time with him; Stuff that people in Love would do.
However, I fell into a trap of becoming someone whom I had promised myself never to become; herein lies the irony of all ironies, simply because I was highly independent when I was single, and when I was blissfully attached, I became so attached to the other person that I lost myself, I became over-bearing, demanding and dependent.
They say that men and women are from different planets, and I couldn't agree more - When I got attached, and he uttered the words that he'd be there for me, and that we'd walk through and conquer all things together... Those words became the handcuffs that made me became over-dependent, yet at the same time, they were the most touching and beautiful words that I've ever heard from someone, simply because I hadn't heard those words being uttered to me before...
I guess, being close to someone has its price,; It allows us to experience a sense of happiness and belonging, yet, it makes us vulnerable to being affected by the other party. It is one package deal that we cannot undo.
That is why I respect every couple who stuck it out together despite the uncertainties of the future. Their togetherness is well-deserved. =)
At the end of the day, it's not so important to be single as to be happy.
Perhaps, and very much likely that my time has not arrived yet, so I'll appreciate my singlehood until then, for I'd rather be happy and single than to see both parties being so miserable and unhappy in the relationship.
Mummy always says that another door opens after one is closed, and although couplehood has closed its doors on me, I am glad to say that I wasn't sorry for going into things that I wasn't ready for; simply because I now have learnt more about myself more than I ever had have, and I know know that relationships are truly sacred and not to be toyed with.
I think any endeavour involving love should be experienced fully and with abandon. If it fails, at least we'll know what doesn't work and try again.
But most of all, Love would never leave us empty-handed.
I suddenly remember Eunice bringing me to one of the coffee joints in town and she was gushing and talking about him and asking me for my opinion of him, cos Daryl met up with Eunice later that day outside the coffee place... And that was 4 years ago...!
Time flies....
All of a sudden, I feel envious and lonely...
Daryl proposed to Eunice at Au Jardin at the Bontanical Gardens...
Deja vu!!!
For you once took me there as a surprise, just to cheer me up and to celebrate our anniversary!
Those HUGE plates and tiny servings are still memorable...
If I could escape I would, but first of all let me say I must apologize for acting skank, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold
If I could escape And re-create to places my own world And I could be your favorite girl Forever, perfectly together And tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
If I could be sweet I know I've been a real bad girl I didn't mean for you to get hurt So-ever, we can make it better And tell me boy, Now wouldn't that be sweet? Sweet escape
Whohoe, yhihoo I wanna get away, Whohoe, yhihoo to our sweet escape Whohoe, yhihoo I wanna get away Whohoe, yhihoo ya
You let me down I'm at my lowest boiling point Come help me out I need to get me out of this joint Come on, let's bounce Counting on you to turn me around Instead of clowning around let's look for some common ground
So baby, times getting a little crazy I've been getting a little lazy Waiting for you to come save me I can see that you're angry
By the way the you treat me Hopefully you don't leave me Want to take you with me
If I could escape And re-create a place as my own world And I could be your favorite girl Forever, perfectly together and Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
If I could be sweet I know I've been a real bad girl I didn't mean for you to get hurt So-ever, we can make it better and Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet? (Sweet escape)
Whohoe, yhihoo Whohoe, yhihoo Whohoe, yhihoo if i could escape Whohoe, yhihoo If I could escape Whohoe, yhihoo
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold
If I could escape And re-create a place in my own world And I could be your favorite girl Forever, perfectly together and Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
If I could be sweet I know I've been a real bad girl I didn't mean for you to get hurt So-ever, we can make it better Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet? Sweet escape
Whohoe, yhihoo i want to get away Whohoe, yhihoo to our sweet escape Whohoe, yhihoo i want to get away Whohoe, yhihoo ya Whohoe, yhihoo Whohoe, yhihoo Whohoe, yhihoo Whohoe, yhihoo..."
