Post number 90...

"There's a time for everything, even the smallest experiences.
When we're not ready for them, things simply fall apart no matter how hard we try to patch things up..."


That phone call was anticipated with dread, fear, and disappointment; But the outcome of it, was, surprisingly better than I had feared; for I had feared for, and expected the worst...



After that phone call, it became clear to me that I had to move on; I had to leave the past behind and smile towards more treasures that the future may hold for me.


Friends were correct in telling me to move on, but I had refused to at that point in time, merely because I wanted answers rather than avoidance; Simply because I am a person that wants answers, cos avoiding each other cant solve problems, rather, in this case, it left me wondering about every little thing and letting this mind of mine wander the way it should.


I guess, stepping into your shoes, you needed time to be a free bird, to interact with friends and ponder what and how you wanted to put things across; for I am sure it isn't easy on your part as well...


In a nutshell, that call you made was liberating and comforting; It warms my heart to know that you've got friends that are rallying around you as well, and that you are tired, but definitely sounding happier...! =)


I refuse to bear any grudges, or even regret whatever we had shared, simply because I was very fortunate to have had the experience of loving someone, sharing and caring for someone whom was amazingly and imperfectly special to me...



Looking back, what had led us to where I am today is of my fault, for I've always had the hardest time figuring which bridges to cross and which to burn, which, in a huge nutshell, led us to where I am today...



I've always thought that it would be good if we had a reserve of internal strength because a relationship subjects a person to vulnerabilities and uncertainties, and admittingly, we often are confronted with the conflict of trying to compromise and also to make a definite stand on certain issues. Many times, I was faced with problems and issues that left me exasperated, without any clue of a solution. We had our share of differences, and i thought it was complementary that such differences existed, like how people always say that opposites attract, but sometimes, I just couldn't understand him, nor he me.


That's why, it always stirs my soul whenever I see an elderly couple hand-in-hand along the beach with a serene smile - Their silence shows their togetherness and ease with each other. I'd always look at that scene with a smile on my face, hoping that I'd be like one of them in the future... Having to hold someone's wrinkly old hand through life and it's journeys, and laughing when his dentures falls out of place, and reminiscing about the times when he had a complete set of teeth, and how I would, without fail, wake him up with a smile on my face after squeezing the toothpaste on his toothbrush, and preparing his breakfast...


Those whimsical pictures in my mind... =)




I had always thought that I was mature enough to take the responsibility of taking care of another life besides mine, but I failed miserably, for I had no idea of what a true relationship had entailed. =(


After having the time to think things through, it dawned on me that two person who can keep the love alive, are the most special human beings on Earth. When I was single, I had thought I had to find someone to be comfortable with. But now, I think that it is one of the things that a couple has to constantly work on.


Two individuals can always grow together spiritually and intellectually but a relationship is how two separate humans subtly become one. That, in my opinion, is one of the most formidable task. It would be simple if our characters could just fill up the nooks and crevices of each other's lives.


Now, I finally realised what people mean when they say that a person has to be complete and happy herself/himself before she/he is able to seek another complete happy circle amongst the billions of people out there; I had always thought that I was complete and happy as a being, but I guess I was wrong, for somehow along the way, I got lost in Love. Love, like what they say is blind, and whenever I am in Love, I am often lost and blinded. I failed to see and evaluate my behaviour the way I should have done.



Love does work its charms on people that are in Love; when I was happily single after the previous boyfriend, I was independent - I loved meeting up with my friends, doing silly and random things with my gfs and family. I loved cheering people around me up and I adored having time on my own, doing the things I could have never had done with the possessive ex bf. And when Love hits, I become somewhat domesticated, and would suddenly have this urge of wanting to do so much for the other party - Planning surprises to cheer up his day, and wanting so badly to spend more time with him; Stuff that people in Love would do.


However, I fell into a trap of becoming someone whom I had promised myself never to become; herein lies the irony of all ironies, simply because I was highly independent when I was single, and when I was blissfully attached, I became so attached to the other person that I lost myself, I became over-bearing, demanding and dependent.


They say that men and women are from different planets, and I couldn't agree more - When I got attached, and he uttered the words that he'd be there for me, and that we'd walk through and conquer all things together... Those words became the handcuffs that made me became over-dependent, yet at the same time, they were the most touching and beautiful words that I've ever heard from someone, simply because I hadn't heard those words being uttered to me before...


I guess, being close to someone has its price,; It allows us to experience a sense of happiness and belonging, yet, it makes us vulnerable to being affected by the other party. It is one package deal that we cannot undo.

That is why I respect every couple who stuck it out together despite the uncertainties of the future. Their togetherness is well-deserved. =)


At the end of the day, it's not so important to be single as to be happy.


Perhaps, and very much likely that my time has not arrived yet, so I'll appreciate my singlehood until then, for I'd rather be happy and single than to see both parties being so miserable and unhappy in the relationship.


Mummy always says that another door opens after one is closed, and although couplehood has closed its doors on me, I am glad to say that I wasn't sorry for going into things that I wasn't ready for; simply because I now have learnt more about myself more than I ever had have, and I know know that relationships are truly sacred and not to be toyed with.


I think any endeavour involving love should be experienced fully and with abandon. If it fails, at least we'll know what doesn't work and try again.


But most of all, Love would never leave us empty-handed.




Bin, thank you for everything...!