Thank you for being my twinkle little star!

After having the time to ponder things through, suddenly things became clearer to me...



Granted there are the regrets, the laments, the "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves"... But like what I used to tell people that needed my listening ear - There is much more to life than the "should haves", "could haves" and "would haves", and in my case, I think that it does apply - Admittingly, there would have been alot of things I would and wouldn't do had I known the outcome, but it wouldn't have brought me to where I am today, and I can definitely say that it has made me grown up in certain ways, and I now know for certain that there are flaws inherent in me that needs some fine tuning, so that pZ would become a better person for her ownself; and that there isn't a party whose right or wrong in the relationship, for it takes two and whole lotta patience and understanding for things to work!


Perhaps its better that things between us ended this way, for stepping a step behind to look at the bigger picture, I realised that there were cracks in our relationship even when we were still together - I sensed it when you suddenly became distant, but I feared mentioning it to you, for I didn't wanna wreck what we had by going into another senseless argument. I did try to probe, but you became somewhat angry; so I didn't dare to bring the issue up again. I just thought that you were just tired and stressed out from work. And when I did try to resolve the conflict/issues-at-hand, nothing was resolved, and you grew to become more distant from me.


I do admit that there were nights when I lie awake, thinking what had gone wrong, there were the tears of frustration and anger, for I was angry that I had allowed 2 persons very much in love to become the state that they are in - We were in love, but cracks were appearing, and we were so cordial and distant to each other. I, being the happy-go-lucky and silly girl that I am, had thought that Love would conquer all... But I failed to stop and evaluate things from another perspective; That perhaps you were so drained out by me and my antics that you didn't know how to handle or what to do anymore.


On top of that, you had pressures at home and at work. I wanted so much for you to be more ambitious, for you said work was no longer enjoyable and you were often bogged down by work. Perhaps I demanded too much out from you, for do admit that I can get pushy and demanding after a while; but I am glad that you've now found new goals and ambitions in life to chase.


Had we still been together, you might have never go ahead with your current opportunities; I realised that a person only lives once, and sometimes, great opportunities comes knocking only once, and it's now or never for you to succeed. I know men in general have goals and ambitions, and many are motivated to fulfill their goals before reaching a certain age. I wanted you to have more drive and ambition, cos I know you're capable of so much more than to be bogged down by the nitty gritty of the banking world. For I know that you are capable of far greater things than what you were doing at the bank. =)


Maybe I was the anchor that was holding you down - I admit that I sometimes can be the worry of people around me who cares, cos I've always had a problem deciding which bridges to burn and which ones to cross; I have always been insecure and I have always felt the need to be accepted since young. Which is probably why I can become a totally indecisive person when at times decisions are needed to be made. I would be indecisive simply because I wanna please the other party, and I would wanna give a politically correct answer so that I wouldn't be harshly judged. That is human nature - we tend to protect ourselves for fear of getting hurt. I guess it happened to us, for despite it all, we do share similarities, where we've both been hurt and let down by people around us whom we cared about, so naturally we have a self-mechanised wall of defense built up.


Perhaps deep down, it is my way of dealing with my innermost insecurities - Brother's friend was accurate in saying that I am actually a very nice and sincere friend in general, and to those that doesn't know me very well would tend to think that I'm a very fake/hypocritical person, for to protect myself, I tend to have masks and show different sides to strangers. Sometimes, I unwittingly say things that can hurt, for I can get brutally honest as i tend to shoot my mouth off without thinking of the consequences of my words. That is because I merely have walls built up to prevent myself from getting hurt, for I have been hurt, stabbed in the back and have been disappointed by so many people in the past. And I guess DarLing PearLyn was correct in saying that I am very nice to people that I wanna be nice to; and it's something that I cannot stop/avoid doing. =)


Nothing about the relationship was faked; It was me at my most sincere and what I had felt for you was beyond anything I had ever felt before. You've taught me so much - patience, honesty, caring, understanding and most importantly, how to love another unconditionally. I guess somewhere along the way, things inevitably turned out to what they are today for we weren't and had stopped communicating.



Brother and I had a long conversation the other day, and he merely told me -


"Love would find a way. Indifference would only find excuses."


Perhaps, it was what was the catalyst for things as they are now. We had stopped communicating that things between us was strangely weird. We knew there was a problem, but we chose to avoid the problem than to really trash things out, simply because I knew you didn't and couldn't bear to hurt my feelings for I couldn't take the harshness of reality as it is. What you did was out of Love, you were being protective and sensitive towards my feelings; but I guess there came to a point where you couldn't be protective towards me anymore, for you had to protect yourself first.


Now the indifferences are finding its excuses - You said you've been busy, and more often than not, people would usually use being busy as an excuse to avoid conflicts or issues. It's similar to telling friends that you were late because you were caught in a jam when you were actually busy with something else. You said you cannot be there for me, to support and guide me to becoming a better person and that you've asked my friends around me to be there for me because you're wary of history repeating itself, that the same issues would become problems again in the future; that you don't wanna be unfair to me as your new goals would see you travelling often, and you don't wanna tie me down. I sensed that it is merely due to the fact that you are now indifferent, and thus you are now capable of washing your hands off me, for you no longer have the obligation nor responsibility to be there for me anymore.

Excuses are often made up to cover one's guilt and to make himself/herself feel better. We are all guilty of making excuses to make ourselves feel better, that I don't deny. And I finally understand the avoidance; you need to get away from me to avoid getting hurt much more in any way. It's basic human instinct, and I really don't blame you for your indifferences and your avoidances, for we were both at fault for not communicating with each other, so much so that when we have no idea of how to deal with an issue-at-hand, what more, in this case, its to do with the affairs of the heart, so naturally we would run for cover, hoping that with time, when the wounds are not as tender, we might talk to each other.


Very often, pride gets in the way of communication as well. Likewise, I have been guilty of that, where I used to not want to listen to your advice or words merely because I know that they are, despite it being hurting and harsh, they were the truth; and that you had meant well for it. I would often allow the emotions to get the better of me and flare up at you, which I am really sorry for - It was never my intention to lash out at you; Most of the times, emotions got the uglier side of me, and I am really thankful towards you for enduring like you did. You clammed up after a while because you knew I couldn't stand hearing the harsh facts when I should have, you wanted to protect me, so you chose not to tell me those harsh facts after a while, which was perhaps one of the reasons we stopped communicating.


I guess karma does work both ways - Pride might be one of the reasons that is making us not communicate. Humans have egos, and after all that has happened, you have the right to be angry and disappointed at me, and I guess, in a certain way, both parties are waiting for the other party to make the first move, but yet, at the same time, both parties hope that there wouldn't be contact now for the wounds are still too raw and it still hurts. I do not know if you feel this way, for you might have already moved on; I do know that you're mentally much stronger as you've faced more obstacles in Life than I have, despite the fact that we are almost of the same age.



Sometimes we win, and sometimes we lose, that is Life, and it is undeniable. I cannot say who is the winner this time around, for we are both winners for we have learnt more about the affairs of the heart.

The failure of this relationship was perhaps the catalyst of the beginnings of your goals and aspirations. I even wonder if you would even remember that there was once the existence of this silly little girl whom was once in your life, encouraging you to press on with those imaginary pink pompoms and her random and silly jokes when you've become successful. You now can and are able to pursue what your heart desires, you told me you're learning how to golf, and that sport is a very important aspect of social interaction in the business field; and who knows, it might be of great use one day when you manage to secure something financially important over a game of golf?

You are the winner because you are finally free and single - You no longer have to constantly worry about this silly little girl and her crazy antics that were constant worries for you. You no longer have to fret over coming up with surprises while hoping that she would not find out for she is naturally inquisitive. You can now rest at nights, knowing that she wouldn't be the image of your nightmares (You once dreamt of me chasing you with choppers and knives; I should have realised that those were warning signs, but I don't blame you...); You are now free to do whatever your heart desires... And I really wish nothing but the best for you... =)


I am a winner in the sense that I have finally learnt the true meaning of Love and how sacred it is, and it only happens to very fortunate people. I have finally learnt so much more about myself and the flaws that are inherent in me. It would be a long journey ahead to change for the better, but like how I have told you on the phone, I'd be fine. Afterall, it's high time that I ought to start looking after myself and not let others constantly worry about me. People usually learn from their past mistakes, and I have fallen, but it's up to myself to get back up on my own two feet again and face the challenges ahead. Don't worry!


And with me having new directions in Life, I can now fully concentrate on what is on hand and juggle work and studies; it wouldn't be easy, but nothing is ever easy in Life! I would most definitely look back at this moment in my life with a serene smile, knowing that once everything falls into place, I would be kept very busy; hopefully, it would be an enriching and rewarding road ahead for me!



We might not be winners with this relationship, but we are most definitely going to emerge victorious and becoming better individuals in Life!



I wish nothing but the best for you.




And perhaps one fine day, we might be able to share a joke or two again underneath the canopy of stars and deck chairs like those early days along the sandy beaches of Cafe Del Mar and East Coast Park...



I do not know what the future holds for me, but for now, affairs of the heart would most definitely take a back seat... All the wonderful memories that we have shared would be buried deep within the sands, and one day, it might get washed up; It might get washed away... Like all life stories, what we had shared would become a memorable but achingly beautiful chapter of my life... But for now, right at this moment, I cannot bear to close this chapter and allow the memories to fade away for I still love you...






Thank you for being my twinkle little star! *










*sMiLes*









(Special credits goes out to all my treasured darLings who have made the effort to cheer me up and to be there for me despite their busy schedules! I *heaRt* all of you!)













"Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Honour to love you,

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel I'm alive,
When everything else is au faite,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh, your love...

Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind, Yeah

Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na na

Now I have come to understand
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand, Yeah

Oooo
Oooo

I wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
I wonder why it is,
I won't let my guard down,
For anyone but you
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands... ..."