Everyone who knows me ought to know by now that I am an extreme fanatic of the reality game show, Survivor (The other fave being The Amazing Race); and how I am truly hooked cos of the superbly evil contestant in the FoaFoa tribe called Russell...
He is so devious, scheming and have been showing how Survivor ought to be played out... But maybe, its just clever editing... LOL~
I was suddenly reminded by how creating a fire and keeping the flame would be their most important task of their 39 days within the huge deserted islands that the contestants get marooned on... Cos fire gives them warmth, cooks whatever food they have to fill their stomaches, and in Tribal Councils, Fire represents their Life within the game, so if their flame is snuffed out, it would mean that they have been voted out from their respective tribes and out of the game...
On TV, it looks easy to get a fire going out there in a deserted jungle in the middle of nowhere... But it's tough to do so through rubbing stones or sticks together to create some sort of friction, and then a spark, before a tiny flame that they would have to keep it from being snuffed out... So usually during the first day or second day, they compete in a challenge to win flint to make easier fires...
Using a flint, creating sparks for a fire would be easier, and then getting and keeping the flame would be an easier task for the contestants...
It suddenly made me think of how relationships, is somewhat like the entire fire creation we've seen on Survivor or on any camping sites...
It takes a flint, be it chemistry, something unknown & indescribable, or even something we all have come to know as one of the 7 deadly sins; Lust, to get 2 individuals being attracted to each other... A flint would create a spark and then another, before the sparks catches onto some dried leaves or branches and then a fire starts burning...
It is up to the individual whom is starting the fire to keep the flame from being blown out... The individual may try to get more sparks, or try to keep the little spark burning by adding more dried leaves or branches...
Just like a relationship, it is up to the 2 individuals involved to keep the fire in the relationship going... There might be challenges along the way, in the form of strong winds, a spark being too weak to be sustained to keep the fire from going on strong..., or distractions through another individual whom tries to create a bigger fire but ends up snuffing out the initial tiny flame...
Or the individual him / herself might snuff out the flame by being too anxious to create a fire through the tiny spark and added far too much dried leaves or branches which destroys the tiny flame... ...
Many relationships disintegrate due to various of reasons, some not known to the people involved until the fire fizzles out - It might boil down to differing personalities, having grown apart after being together for too long a period of time, the lack of communication, the lack of honesty and trust, feelings changing, the list goes on...
I have been reflecting on why and how my relationships were always never happy endings, and I guess that it was there was never open forms of communications and understanding of the other party well before commitment was established...
Like how once there was a spark or two from the flint, it is always human nature to want to keep the spark burning to get a fire out of that spark... But sometimes, the sparks might not be what they seem to be, sometimes a tiny spark might just fizzle out, just because the individual whom started the fire might not have used adequate amounts of dried leaves or branches to keep the spark from being strong enough...
I truly believe that with the ending of each relationship, people would learn more about themselves, and know what they are really looking for in a relationship...
Like how from each unsuccessful try to create a fire using the flint and dried leaves and branches, people might develop a method to get the sparks started... Lessons are learnt, and some people might choose to ignore the hurt they have once experienced to fully embrace Love once more when it knocks on their doors, while some might choose to totally give up and not pursue happiness...
While some, like me, might choose to sit on the fence and await what would happen...
I was once extremely hurt from the initial failed relationship, where I actually went on a rebound relationship, just to find that special spark which I had never experienced with the Serial Cheater... I had wanted so badly to feel truly appreciated and Love than just being taken for granted, but we know how all, well most, rebound relationships would end, it ended painfully, with me becoming more bitter and jaded in the pursuit of happy-ness...
And just when I least expected it, someone came along and created a spark that was huge enough for me to regain my confidence in Love, which I decided to give Love another shot, cos most people do say the third time is a lucky try...
The flame / relationship, sadly, in my case, fizzled out as we were two extremely different indivviduals trying to work things out to be together as one...
However, through compromising, one side would have to make more sacrifices, and ultimately the sacrificings and compromisings became the root cause of my unhappy-ness as I was no longer whom I was, and how I could no longer enjoy the things I've enjoyed doing, and how I missed the former self... It then became something like an evil root which grew and bore evil fruit, where the former significant things which made me happy became insignificant, and soon enough, like how many have expected, the flame / relationship fizzled out...
I became extremely jaded and cynical, for I myself know that I have tried my best, but perhaps, my best wasn't what the other party was expecting, and like how it is intrinsic in human beings to want much much more (Another one of thte 7 deadly sins, Greed...), I kept giving until I could no longer offer the other party anything else...
I shut and bolted the door towards looking for true Happy-ness and decided to surround myself with positivity through other forms of Love - Love from my dearest friends, Love from my family, and my Love which was slowly but surely developed for my quest for knowledge, aka, that highly expensive silly piece of "toilet paper" called the Degree... :P
After a year odd of being able to learn more about myself and Loving myself more than anything else, I was and
still am at a Happy place ~ friends whom truly love me for whom I am and what I have become are still there; Some fair-weathered friends whom have left cos of bad weathers like rain and thunderstorms have left for their own reasons which I don't wish to know nor investigate...
Family is still there enouraging me, although the recent new addition in the form of the Brrother's girlfriend isn't all that rosy as I honestly have a not-so-good vibe about her...
I have even found strength through my failed relationships to encourage others, to make them happier, which I am happy about! :)
A couple of friends have recently commented that with me being such an awesomely cheerful girl with numerous positive traits, it is impossible that I am single...
But the fact of it is that I am single, somewhat by choice and also due to Fate (Haha! Cos I seriously have no one interested! :P ), and simply because I had promised my parents that I would rein in on my Life and concentrate on graduating, cos they know and have seen how relationships have affected my studies, in one way or another...
I didnt want to waste my time on not getting THE degree which has been extremely belated, and how the men that I know in my Life are all happily attached and settled, and how I wasn't receptive to the various matchmaking sessions and to making new friends which I dont know on a personal level, which are reasons why I have been single for the past year odd or so...
I admit that there have been a couple of people whom were interested, whom I wasn't sure of committing anything concrete to, for I was pretty sure that they would not know how to handle the emotional and fragile heart of mine, one which has much glue stuck in many places which hold scars of the wounds once inflicted by the former Loves, and how some tiny pieces have gone missing, never to be found again...
So, I allowed myself to let them down gently, allowing them to pursue the happiness they were looking for, which I could not reciprocate in return...
In the past couple of months, a little buzz has been ringing in my heart off-and-on, where tiny pieces of me wanna enjoy the feelings that i had once had, however fleeting those moments may be, yet I fear hurting myself all over again, worrying people around me and crying myself silly over a person whom wasn't worth it...
I honestly admit that there has been a very recent spark that has been ignited, but I am unsure and uncertain of what this spark is really made of, and whether this spark would become a stronger spark in time to come, or to be let down and have the feelings of disappointment be doused upon the tiny spark and not allowing any flames to be created...
Because of my complicated and unahppy past, I am fearful of what is ahead, partly because it seems like ages since I last felt a spark, that i had almost forgot what being delirious had felt like...
I dont wanna hype things up and to expect anything, for I dont wanna be confronted with the huge disappointment if the spark turned out to be nothing more than a tiny spark that could not evolve into becoming a fire...
To that one tiny spark ~
I am sorry that I don't have and am unable to provide you with the answers that you would like to hear of at this very moment...
I know how anxious you are cos you are also fearful of the unknown, of whether this spark that I have would be put out within a moment or whether it'd become a bigger spark...
If only I was like Google.com, having all the answers to every single thing which would merely make things easier... But with such subjective matters, answers would not be as easily found...
So I am asking you for time, for patience to get to know whether this spark would last for more than just tonight, and for me to discover facets about you as an individual...
I had been like you previously, being overly impatient which led to the many heartaches and disappointments which I have been through, so I am forcing myself to have a little bit more of patience and an open heart this time around...
Some parts of me fear for the unknown, yet some parts of me want that magic spark to last for more than just one single night...
Bear with me for that is the only thing I can assure you of now at this very moment... ...
=)
